Brilliant!

As I was walking to the bathroom just now, it came to me in a flash:

If I ever become a mad scientist, I am legally changing my name to "Monsieur Diabolique." How awesome is THAT?!

Sidenote: I googled this phrase, to see if anyone else already went by it. There were four responses. Two were in French, meaning I had no idea what they said. One was someone who uses it as an expression of surprise quite frequently. And the fourth?

Oh ho ho. The fourth.

It was from the story "Young Marauders in Love." This is a piece of Marvel Comics fan fiction centered on everyone's favorite Cajun X-Man, Gambit. And it's lewd. I refuse to mention more about it here, for fear of drawing in, as they say, "les indésirables."

Atrocity, Thy Name is Paula

I'm listening to Wait Wait...Don't Tell Me for the first time ever. It's a great show. I absolutely love it, and am laughing a lot.

However, one thing stands out. Paula Poundstone has sort of disappeared from the public spectrum since the early 90s. It's not so pleasant to see her back in it. She's not funny in the least, her voice is like nails on chalkboard, and she looks like Rosie O'Donnell with a stronger chin. If ever it existed, she is like man-repellent. Everything about her makes me want to become a monk.

I Finally Get Around to Posting About Snakes on a Plane

This was one of the "news items" on IMdb today:

Jackson's Snake Film Creates Huge Buzz

Samuel L. Jackson's new mile-high thriller Snakes On A Plane has created such a buzz among internet film fans, movie bosses have called for re-shoots - to give the film a tougher rating. The film, which stars Jackson as an FBI agent trying to keep a federal witness alive onboard a plane full of snakes, wrapped last September - but went back before the cameras earlier this month for five days of additional shooting. Film bosses at distributor New Line Cinema opted to add new scenes to the film to take the movie from PG-13 into R-rated territory, according to industry magazine The Hollywood Reporter. They claim the second round of filming became necessary after intense and growing fan interest in the film, which is scheduled to be released this summer. Among the reported additions to the film is a foul-mouthed rant from Jackson in which his agent character bellows, "I want these motherf**king snakes off the motherf**king plane!" The line is expected to take on cult status. The film-makers have reportedly added more gore, more deaths, more nudity and more snakes to the finished product.

Right, a lot of buzz. If they mean every person who has heard of this film is making fun of it, sure, then I guess that's some kind of buzz. The fact still remains that you can't go in to a film intending to make a cult film. Oh, sure, we'll all laugh at how stupid this title is, and maybe a few braver souls will pay the money to go see it. However, don't expect me to believe that this dumb script was intentionally dumb. That leads me to believe that you, the filmmakers, think that I, the moviegoer, am incredibly gullible. Face it, you signed on for a stupid, stupid project. Once you are okay with that, we will be, too. We might even go see those motherf**ing snakes.

Names You Should Not Go By

I tend to get annoyed by all manners of cutesy-ness. I'm not the guy to call your boy/girlfriend sweet names around without an obvious eye roll and gagging noise. Don't even try to bring a baby near me and expect anything more than a halfhearted coochie-coo. But above all else, don't try to be precious when you are talking to me, and expect me to go along with it, unless I can sense the palpable irony in your voice, or know that I'll get a laugh out of others if I ham it up.

That was just a small rant. The real point of this entry is to let you know that I really don't like it when people "cuten" up their names. I have provided the beginning of a list of names (there aren't that many that I've heard that really get my dander up) with cute nicknames that I am sick of. If you fall into these categories, please refrain from using said cute nickname, and try to come up with something like "Scarhammer" or "Warfalcon" instead. I promise you, you'll seem much cooler.

If you already use some of these nicknames...I'm sorry. But you're a bit of a prat now for letting it go on, aren't you?

Carrie, Sarah/Carebear, Sarebear - If you were an honest-to-God Care Bear, you'd probably have a vomit splotch on your belly.
Jill/Jillybean - For god's sake, jellybeans are the shitty cousin of real candy. Why adopt that stigma as your nickname?!
Last name starting with an L and an O /shortened to Lo - Everyone made fun of J Lo for doing this. What makes you think you are exempt? (As an aside, this also goes for adding "Diddy" or "izzle" to things.)
Christopher/Topher - No one else gets to go by the last half of their name. Play by the rules. (This isn't really the same as the rest, but how else does one get to vent about an obviously stupid name?)

I know, I may have been guilty of doing these at one time or another. But we all grow, and we all move on. I'm sure these aren't the only banal name-specific monikers out there. Help me out.

I'm in Love!

I don't think it's physically possible for me to like these chips any more than I already do. This is definitely my favorite "new" chip that's come along since before I can remember.

You Give Love a Bad Enamel

So my dentist is very cute. Well, not the actual dentist, he's an old Jewish guy with an incredibly hairy chest and medallions who wears scrubs with no t-shirt underneath. It is fairly repugnant.

No, I guess she's my dental hygienist. She cleans my teeth and does some general dentistry. I don't know, whatever, it's besides the point. She looks at my teeth a lot (a lot more than usual lately, since I had a cavity, and then a complication with the cavity that turned into a fracture, which I now need to go get a cap for...boy, I could talk about that all day!).

Is it weird to ask her out? I feel like it is, and everyone I've asked says it is. She's clearly older than me. I'm 24, she's GOT to be at least 26 to have finished dental school and be practicing already, and I'm guessing she's a little older than that. As I mentioned before, she checks out my teeth a lot. I feel like that's a little too much personal information to kick off a relationship. I mean, I certainly don't know what the inside of her mouth looks like, what with that silly mask.

However, she's cute. And I could always find a new dentist. And do dentists make good money? Because I could use a solid source of income, what with my source of income bringing in slightly less than a career as a mime.

What do you think, internetters? Is this just a wistful boy's pipe dream? Is this some kind of weird, doctor(?)-patient fetish? Am I so narcissistic about my teeth that I want someone to share my love? Please, diagnose me. I await your feedback.

Karaoke Junkie

I'm not sure if I've mentioned it yet on this site (lord knows I have on every other site that has even a smidgen of my personal information on it), but I think I might actually be addicted to karaoke. I'm not a great singer (I'd rank myself, at best, a 5 out of 10 on the talent scale), and I don't really have any great karaoke moves or anything (I would actually like to see some great karaoke moves, since I'm not really sure what this means). There's just something about getting up and singing a song in a completely unabashed manner that appeals to me. There are so few opportunities to do this, and even less than that now that I no longer have a car. I'm not even ever really that in to the songs I sing (I pick my songs based on novelty and not desire to sing them...however, I have discussed starting an indie rock karaoke bar with friends, and we all think it would be awesome). I just...enjoy it. I find it funny when people insist upon getting drunk before going on stage because I'm really the opposite. I enjoy the act of singing, and tend to get more impatient at karaoke bars the drunker I get. The best nights have always ended in a state of drunkenness, but I think this is more of a coincidental rather than a cause and effect relationship.

Anyway, I have no real point here. It's just out there now. If you read this, and ever want to go to karaoke any night of the week, I'm your man.

Okay, and for kicks, here is a list of my top five favorite songs to do at karaoke, and my top five songs I want to do.

Top 5 To Do:
5. Seal - Kiss From a Rose
4. Aladdin soundtrack - A Whole New World
3. Marvin Gaye - Let's Get It On
2. Linda Rondstadt and Aaron Neville - Don't Know Much
1. George Michael - Careless Whispers

Top 5 I Want To Do:
5. Eric Carmen - Hungry Eyes
4. Journey - Lovin' Touchin' Squeezin'
3. Stevie Wonder - For Once In My Life
2. Toto - Africa
1. A whole bunch of people - We Are The World (this would take some sort of coordination, which is sadly lacking at karaoke bars)

So there it is. If you can think of other songs that would be fun to do, please let me know. I'm always looking.

Let My People Go

So I commented about this on my Myspace blog (Again with the Myspace?! For crying out loud!), but I was recently invited to be friends with Let My People Go Dot Com, the self-appointed "mother of all Jewish social events," or some such nonsense.

Really, above all else, I think I take umbrage with the fact that there are hundreds (thousands?) of pampered Jews out there who believe that their poor lot in the dating scene is equivalent to hundreds of years of slavery and oppression in the desert. I'm not above making a good oppression joke, but this seems less like a joke, and more like a startling case of narcissism. I find it remarkable that that many people in so many cities are that convinced they are going to die alone. I haven't been on a date in months, and you don't see me wailing on about unshackling myself from the tyranny of singledom.

Also, this is a line from their website:
"LetMyPeopleGo.com: Taking the cheesiness out of Jewish Singles Events since 1995!"

Right? Because there's nothing cheesy about hosting an annual ball (on Christmas...gag) with the intent of getting needy Jewish people together? As far as causes go, that's about as noble as they get.

In case you couldn't tell, I won't be signing up.

V for Vendetta gets an A for Awesome

I freakin' loved this movie tonight. I'm not sure what it was that drove me to like it so much, since Lisa only liked it, and James seems to have hated it. Here's a list of things I like to see in my action films:
- knife fighting
- the future
- an antihero
- huge explosions
- Benny Hill medleys involving gorillas
- subversive political action geared towards despotic rulers
- Natalie Portman
- Natalie Portman naked

Things from the above list not in this movie:
- Natalie Portman naked (come on, throw me that one final bone!)

Seriously, go see it. I thought it was great.

Do you love breathing? I sure do!

Sorry if this blog is becoming my MySpace base of operations.

I received this bulletin today from someone I went to high school with who is, let's be honest here, an incredibly dim bulb.

The white man said, "Colored people are not allowed here."

The black man turned around and stood up. He then said:

"Listen sir....when I was born I was BLACK, "
"When I grew up I was BLACK, "
"When I'm sick I'm BLACK, "
"When I go in the sun I'm BLACK, "
"When I'm cold I'm BLACK, "
"When I die I'll be BLACK."
"But you sir."
"When you're born you're pink, "
"When you grow up you're white, "
"When you're sick, you're green, "
"When you go in the sun you turn red, "
"When you're cold you turn blue, "
"And when you die you turn purple."
"And you have the nerve to call me colored?"

The black man then sat back down and the white man walked away....

Pass it on if you hate racism

Now come on. On top of the absurd storytelling devices employed in this (who are these men? why do we care about them? why do they need to use so many quotation marks? why does the black man know so much about the various skin hues of the white man?), what kind of stupid chain letter-y bullshit is this? Isn't sending one of these asking people if they hate racism akin to sending one that asks if people hate wholesale puppy slaughter and neo-Nazi airplane pilots? I mean, certain things aren't really liked by anyone (or mostly anyone, I'm sure there are some puppy skewerers out there who really dig on the concept of following their dream on a larger scale). You're not really making a stand against something all that popular. You aren't saying "pass this on if you hate that pompous windbag, the Pope." I'm with you, I'm not keen on racism either. However, that's one of those personal distastes that I keep to myself, for fear of coming across as an idiot, just like I'd never mention it if I was really a fan of my heart pumping blood throughout my body, or not being poverty-stricken. You don't need to say everything that comes to your mind. I'm sure we'd all be better off if you didn't.

Baby Shower Planner Extraordinaire

Somehow, the task of planning a co-worker's baby shower here at the office fell on me, even though I don't know anything about baby showers and, well, I'm a dude. I don't feel like it should ever fall on a guy to plan a baby shower, because it will end up pretty much like this is going to end up.

Here's all the planning that went in to this:
- I booked a room here at the office
- I sent out an all staff e-mail
- I decided it would be a pot luck lunch

Today, I realized I needed to get a cake (the shower is today at lunch). So I did, and I even got icing to decorate it with. I hope this goes okay. It's my first foray into a (more likely than not) failed potential career as an event planner.

As a side note, my co-worker (who is one of the coolest people here) didn't want a big to-do, which is most of the reason it fell upon me. This is her second kid, and she had a big shower here for the first one. This isn't even really a baby shower, so much as it is a farewell lunch for when she leaves one of these days for maternity leave.

As another side note, I realize I'm a liar, then, for saying it was a baby shower. But, really, no one wants to read about planning a farewell lunch. That's lame. The juxtaposition of placing me in a position of importance during the planning phases of a baby shower party is funny. I know the difference, and I just played to the stronger choice.

As a third side note, I'm not saying I'm all that proud of what I did. But I did it, and I can't undo it. Don't judge me.

Enough!

I just saw an ad on MySpace for "awesome new Chuck Norris shirts!"

Good lord. Chuck Norris jokes are no longer funny. Everybody's read that list. Anything you could possibly say about a beard has already been said. Let it die.

UPDATE!

Tyler and I have decided that Gabe Kaplan is the new go-to guy for falsified myths about washed-up celebrities.

The South Park writers stole the idea of Mr. Hand from Gabe Kaplan, who originated the idea in a rather disturbing episode of Welcome Back, Kotter.



Sorry. I know I'm re-using a joke here. But seriously, this is some good photoshopping.

A Few Reasons I Never Blog Anymore

- I no longer feel a need to. Not that I ever really felt a need to, but at one point, I liked being "the funny guy," and really wanted everyone to know just how funny I was. Now I'm (for the most part) past that.
- I'm pretty convinced that everyone who may have been reading it in it's heyday (about two and a half years ago at this point, sadly) has long since moved on to better, more interesting stuff.
- MySpace. I spend all day when I'm bored at work on there now instead.
- I've discovered the joys of diet soda. While this SEEMS unrelated, I sort of feel like it was a necessary step in the process of "growing up." I see blogging as something I did in college, and I want to give up some of the "immature college things" I did during those years. I've stopped smoking pot (well, for the most part), I don't wear cargo pants, I don't listen to "jam bands," and I read novels that were written by people other than Stephen King and Dean Koontz. I guess I'm trying to force myself down the path of maturity, since I can't get there naturally.
- An utter lack of things to say. I used to see something funny and think "man, this would make a great blog!" Now, I say "man, that was sure funny." I don't know when I reached this existential plane of thought where instead of extrapolating any idea or feeling from an event, I see solely the event for what it is, and think nothing further of it. I don't really like it.

A Few False Reasons Why I Never Blog Anymore
- I am keeping a secret journal. This is simply not true. It's a diary, and I don't want the world to know who I'm crushing on, or what my co-workers say about me, or what I had for dinner. That's private!
- I don't have internet access. In fact, I actually have too much internet access. If I haven't responded to an e-mail you've sent me within, oh let's say twenty minutes, you should call the police. I'm probably in trouble.

P.S. Some of this makes no sense. Sorry.