Overheard in a Dressing Room

So I'm shopping for pants for my boss' wedding last night, and I go into the fitting room to try a pair on. As I enter my stall, I hear a loud, scratching noise coming from next door, but I think nothing of it. All of the sudden:

(mumble mumble)

I perk up my ears. I don't know why, but I feel like the guy in the next stall is talking to me. And then, again:

(mumble mumble damn it mumble mumble)

I realize it's probably not for me, but I'm nosy, and in a dressing room with a man who is obviously crazy, so I keep listening.

(mumble mumble I can't believe that bitch mumble mumble scratch scratch)

Oh, so there's a GIRL in his life. Interesting. Let's keep listening.

(mumble damn it I think this is herpes mumble mumble scratch)

WHAT?!

(mumble mumble there are bumps all over my dick mumble scratch)

JESUS CHRIST?! IS THIS FOR REAL?!

(mumble mumble it burns like a bitch mumble fuck mumble scratch)

I'm out of here.

I take my pants and I leave. I sort of hang around the entrance of the fitting room to find the mysterious human parasite. Much to my surprise, a 15-year-old kid walks out, closing his cell phone.

Eww. This would be much funnier and less gross if it was fake.

I'm going to my boss' wedding today. The boss that I hate. You better believe I'm getting stinking drunk at the champagne bar. Unemployment, here I come!