Names You Should Not Go By

I tend to get annoyed by all manners of cutesy-ness. I'm not the guy to call your boy/girlfriend sweet names around without an obvious eye roll and gagging noise. Don't even try to bring a baby near me and expect anything more than a halfhearted coochie-coo. But above all else, don't try to be precious when you are talking to me, and expect me to go along with it, unless I can sense the palpable irony in your voice, or know that I'll get a laugh out of others if I ham it up.

That was just a small rant. The real point of this entry is to let you know that I really don't like it when people "cuten" up their names. I have provided the beginning of a list of names (there aren't that many that I've heard that really get my dander up) with cute nicknames that I am sick of. If you fall into these categories, please refrain from using said cute nickname, and try to come up with something like "Scarhammer" or "Warfalcon" instead. I promise you, you'll seem much cooler.

If you already use some of these nicknames...I'm sorry. But you're a bit of a prat now for letting it go on, aren't you?

Carrie, Sarah/Carebear, Sarebear - If you were an honest-to-God Care Bear, you'd probably have a vomit splotch on your belly.
Jill/Jillybean - For god's sake, jellybeans are the shitty cousin of real candy. Why adopt that stigma as your nickname?!
Last name starting with an L and an O /shortened to Lo - Everyone made fun of J Lo for doing this. What makes you think you are exempt? (As an aside, this also goes for adding "Diddy" or "izzle" to things.)
Christopher/Topher - No one else gets to go by the last half of their name. Play by the rules. (This isn't really the same as the rest, but how else does one get to vent about an obviously stupid name?)

I know, I may have been guilty of doing these at one time or another. But we all grow, and we all move on. I'm sure these aren't the only banal name-specific monikers out there. Help me out.