Categorically Awesome

Wikipedia does a great job of classifying EVERYTHING into at least one of the millions upon millions of categories on their site. If there isn't already a category for it, they'll probably just make one up. Aside from year of birth and what your job is, they can classify you by nationality, skin tone, eye color, pet names, and favorite color. Sometimes, this is very useful, such as if you are looking for 80s one hit wonders and just want to browse a massive list, as I sometimes like to do. However, sometimes the category is a little less helpful. For example, we have this:

Category: Living People

I can't imagine anyone just casually browsing this category. There are hundreds of pages. There are over 200 results just in the As, and everyone knows A isn't a very popular last name starter. Luckily, from a precursory glance, I can find that the rappers A+, AMG, and AZ are all still alive, and thus my dream of starting a rap supergroup out of absolute nobodies is able to live on.

And then there's this category:

Category: People Lost at Sea

Which is short, and easy to browse. I can finally have a little closure as to what happened to the world's finest handlebar mustache and the guy whose face they used for the Leprechaun movies.

This category seems a bit masturbatory, really:

Category: All pages needing to be wikified

When did "wikify" become a verb?

One can also use the categories to learn new things. For example, I learned that there are a lot of unincorporated communities in West Virginia, something I didn't know before category-browsing.

Also of note: there are less Roman Catholic entertainers in the world than there are unincorporated communities in West Virginia.

My favorite category, though, has got to be this one:

Category: Possibly Living People

This should have been titled "Possible Zombies" to better meet my tastes, but still, it's amusing. Can you imagine coming across your name on there? I feel like it could be used as an advance warning by a tech-savvy killer. You can't say poor Mario Agodino didn't know it was coming. All that time he spent trying to rule Cordoba fairly and justly should have been spent checking his own name on Wikipedia for any rumors of his assassination.

Also, in that category is Viking Bjork, who I picture raping and pillaging his way through a Nordic village while wearing a swan dress.

On needing to express myself

I need a creative outlet. My job mostly deals with pre-determined content. I don't write, I don't act, and I don't contribute to any reputable medical journals (you know, the trifecta of artistic expression). I need to start doing something where I can get out all the wackiness boiling up in my head before I go to law school and have to suppress it for good (this is MOSTLY true...however any fan of Princess Bride knows that MOSTLY true still means slightly false). I'm most definitely a fan of unstructure over structure, and so I have to find a way to make that a part of my life while all the other little bits are falling into place.

For right now, it might be karaoke. We've started going weekly, and it's a lot of fun. However, even now, the appeal of the karaoke is less than the general appeal of being a regular at a bar, so I think the novelty is wearing off. I need something new. I've decided to pick this blogging thing back up, but I don't really know how creative I can get in a story detailing a crazy guy I ran into on the train or how I feel about hair cuts. I think I need a genuine creative outlet, be it songwriting or bookwriting or Choose-Your-Own-Adventurewriting. I'm now officially taking suggestions.

On hickeys, in general.

A certain someone I know (no names will be mentioned for the sake of protecting the innocent individual who apparently enjoys seventh grade makeout sessions) has a hickey right now. As my parenthetical may lead one to believe, I find these wildly amusing. I was in fourth grade when I had my first hickey. Well, I say hickey. I'm not sure if they count if they are accidentally self-inflicted, but I'm going to go with it.

I was bored in Hebrew school class, as those of you who are Jewish know we are wont to be, and I had my head resting on my desk, with my mouth in the inside crook of my elbow. I believe I was thinking about vampires, or leeches, or whatever kids think about in fourth grade, and I was sucking on the skin right inside my arm. As I pulled my mouth away, I noticed a distinct ring of saliva, in addition to a weird...mark in the center. At first, I was grossed out, and thought I had been sucking on some kind of marker or skin mishap, or something. I tried rubbing at it, and it wouldn't go away. I was a really paranoid kid, so I started to freak a little. I went to the bathroom and tried to wash it off, and it wouldn't go away. I scrubbed it with soap, and no dice. I spent the rest of the day worrying about my potentially lethal skin condition until I got home and talked to my mom, who laughed at me and told me it was nothing to worry about. She was right, it went away in a day or two.

Now that I think about it, my first accidental hickey actually happened a year or two before, when I was trying to impress my little cousin and I stuck a suction-cupped rattle to my forehead like a unicorn. This was a great game to play for a few minutes, but after it started to hurt a little, I pulled the sucker off, and had a perfect bruise-y circle on my forehead. It would have been scary if I already didn't look like a monster, all gangly and missing front teeth and such. My grandmother still has my summer camp picture from the day or two after this happened sitting on a dresser at her house, and every time I look at it, I recoil a little.

As far as actual first hickeys go, I may have had one before this, but the one I distinctly remember happened in ninth grade. It was at a youth group event, and someone thought it would be hysterical to pin me, the shy newbie (seriously, I was INCREDIBLY shy through most of high school...just like now, right?) down and suck on my neck. It hurt like hell, and I had a massive bruise on my neck for a week that I had no experience covering up, and therefore just aired for the world to see. It was awkward, in retrospect.

I still think they hurt like hell. I don't see the need. All of you hickey-ed people out there (and at least one of you know who you are), move on. There are easier ways to mark your territory. I'd go for matching his and hers "I'm With Stupid" shirts.

Tell me how to win your heart, for I haven't got a clue...

A thought occurred to me while watching Lionel Ritchie's "Hello" video just now (embedded in this post, in case you, too, care to watch that piece of aural and visual bliss): do blind people save a lot of money each year in electricity? I mean, I assume they don't need lights. Or computer screens. Or televisions (don't radios take up much less energy...)? If so, that seems to be one nice silver lining on a dark cloud.

Actually, though, according to this video, I guess you probably have to sink all of that saved money back into booby traps to keep Lionel Ritchie out. Specifically while you are sleeping.

Random Lyrics Quiz

I saw this on Tyler's blog and hey, why not?

Here's how it works: I listened to my iPod at random and typed up the first few lines of the first thirty songs I heard. Some are tough and some are really easy (I'm not going to lie, I don't even know half of these). If you recognize one, leave a comment with the title and artist. And don't cheat and look the lines up on Google!

When correct answers are posted in comments, I'll cross-out the lyrics in the actual post.

And...go!

1. My girl's got a big mouth with which she blabbers a lot.

2. She woke from a dream. Her head was on fire. Why was he so nervous?

3. I wish it was last September when we could lose ourselves in crowds every day.

4. True enough, I hear they'll take you away. But you could be home in a day and let the hammer fall.

5. Loaded trigger finger, I don't want to settle for second best.

6. We made it down to New York with everything intact. But as for getting back it was Boo who made the joke "they don't give you any hope, but they'll give you plenty of rope"

7. Cease to resist, giving my goodbye, drive my car into the ocean.

8. He went away, and you hung around and bothered me every night. And when I wouldn't go out with you, you said things that weren't very nice.

9. Once I was the king of Spain, now I eat humble pie.

10. Rock the cradle of love. Rock the cradle of love. Yes the cradle of love don't rock easily, it's true.

11. And if there's someone you can live without, then do so. And if there's someone you can just shove out, then do so.

12. Baby when I met you there was peace unknown. I set out to get you with a fine-toothed comb.

13. You went to school to learn girl, things you never never knew before.

14. Leaf by leaf and page by page, throw this book away. All the sadness, all the rage, throw this book away.

15. Everyone's got someone I've got none. But everyone's got someone I've got no one.

16. Where'd I leave my beer? Where'd I put my smokes? Where's my fat pederastic sidekick to howl at all my jokes?

17. So I said I'm on the road so I need a car, and I know that I'm getting alive and I say I got faith and a season and I say that's where I'm going to.

18. This place feels so unfamiliar, and yet I know it well. I think I used to belong here, but the only way I can tell is that I miss you still and I cannot find you here.

19. This bitch is my recital, I think it's very vital to rock a rhyme that's right on time.

20. Love is a burning thing, and it makes a fiery ring.

21. Did you give it up, did you give it up, did you give it up?

22. It takes no match to give me a spark. Now I'm trying out another heart. I've been whining about a fresh start.

23. Hold on little girl, show me what he's done to you. Stand up little girl, a broken heart can't be that bad.

24. Now ships may come and ships may go, as long as the sea does roll. The sailor lad, just like his dad, he loves the flowin' bowl.

25. This cocoon caught in Vesuvius shadow, only the ashes remain.

26. I looked out this morning and the sun was gone. Turned on some music to start my day. Got lost myself in a familiar song. I close my eyes and I slipped away.

27. Every finger in the room is pointing at me. I wanna spit in their faces.

28. You make it hard to breathe, it's as if I'm suffocating. And when you're next to me, I can feel your heartbeat through my skin.

29. Come on, come on, come on, come on, didn't I make you feel like you were the only man? Well yeah, didn't I give you nearly everything that a woman possibly can?

30. As I'm sittin' in the taxi for the sky, he's off to slay some demon dragonfly.

Okay, uhh, good luck, I guess.

In Distress!

Why is it that I can no longer buy a pair on un-distressed jeans or khakis from any of the major cheap clothing stores?! Over the past few days, I've been hunting down new khakis for work, and every pair has the same goddamn hole/roughed-up section above the knee, or right below the pocket, or along the ass. I get that maybe this is a current fad, but what happened to the good ol' days, when clothing was distressed because it was worn for longer than one season? Apparently Old Navy is now skewing towards the "unemployed warm-legged trendsetter" demographic I keep hearing so much about, because I certainly can't wear any of their pants to work anymore. Am I too old for fashion now? Have I reached the age where I need to start subscribing to the Brooks Brothers catalogue, wearing dock shoes, and investing in novelty grill aprons? I sure hope not. I'm not ready for that. I just want a pair of intact, pleat-less pants that don't approach my belly button. Is that really so much to ask?

And along the same lines, jeans have gotten even worse. Jeans, I understand, might look better to some with a small hole. A small hole would be fine. However, jeans are ridiculous, especially Old Navy's "Special Edition" jeans. Apparently "special edition" means "worn by a member of Habitat for Humanity and then returned." I saw a pair today that had the bottom half of one leg barely hanging on, miscellaneous rips and tears across the legs and ass, and paint splattered all over them. Either Old Navy now thinks that we, as a collective population of jeans purchasers, no longer have the ability to properly wear our own jeans, or some handyman snuck into Old Navy's fitting room, switched his pants for a new pair, and walked out. Oh, and re-attached a price tag, I guess. It seems kind of silly to me that the jeans people wear to go out these days are much shabbier to start with than the pairs that our parents would have used way back when to do housework in. I guess the irony here really appeals to the trucker-hat-and-large-belt-buckle segment of society. That, or some people are really, really stupid.

I think it's only fair that Old Navy should offer sewing kits at the counter, so that should they want, people could make their jeans look normal.

The Fingerpickin' Whiz Kid!

I started taking banjo lessons at the Old Town School of Folk Music on Monday. I am most excited about this development. So far, all we did in class was listen to the teacher play some songs, and then pick a few chords. However, I can tell it's going to be awesome. After my first eight-week class, if I'm good enough, I can get in to the Bluegrass Ensemble. They have PERFORMANCES! I can't convey just how awesome this might be. I highly recommend everyone take some classes there. I want to start an old-timey bluegrass band, and I need fellow members.

Little Man Makes Me Want to Die

Seriously, how does one star in this film and not IMMEDIATELY go home and slit their wrists?



Here's the brief plot synopsis:
In the hilarious comedy "Little Man," Shawn Wayans plays a man so anxious to become a father that he mistakes a short-statured, baby-faced criminal on the run, played by Marlon Wayans, for his newly adopted son.

Awesome. So funny, so fresh, so...just like the Bugs Bunny cartoons of the 1950s.

In a just world, this film would bring about the public execution of at least one movie executive.