Today's weather gets a big old "WTF?!" in my book. I do recall last week wearing shorts and t-shirts, and complaining how I'd have to get used to the cold in Chicago once I move. Suddenly, we're back in Blizzard Country, population: mobs of people angry at the pure-driven snow. Now, I know this isn't really the kind of snow to bitch about, since it's not sticking and not really causing any inconveniences, but it's wet, and miserable, and it gets everywhere, and it's still snow a week after a week of beautiful weather, and fuck it, I'm going to bitch anyway. It's days like today that I totally wish I was that evil professor from Chip and Dale's Rescue Rangers who invented a machine that controlled the weather. I would have a ball with that thing. You could ride around on it, and change the weather to whatever you liked, so long as you stayed within a three-foot area of the actual machine, because it wasn't really strong enough to change the weather outside of its immediate sphere of influence. That, or Storm from the X-Men. Her powers were essentially the same as that machine's. In fact, I wonder if it was a ripoff, or if the dream of man since the beginning of time has been controlling the weather. I mean, in most of those old cartoons with supervillains, there was always at least one guy who tried to turn the weather against the protagonist, now that I think about it. Maybe they were on to something. The ability to change the weather at the snap of your fingers is pretty damn cool. Not as cool as being able to fly, though. Or invisiblity. I led a debate in a freshman year gen. ed. class on which was better, flying or invisibility, when everyone else did debates on real issues, like euthanasia and affirmative action. I argued on the side of flying, because you'd save on travel costs, and with invisibility, you'd become all immoral, peeping on people and shit like that. The fact that I chose this topic instead of a serious one sums me up pretty well to anyone who has talked with me for more than five minutes, don't you think? Anyway, I also never paid attention in that class, so we were supposed to argue based on modus ponens and modus tollens and all that stuff you learn and then never, ever need again in your life, but all our arguments were based on personal opinion, and our grades suffered from it. Basing just about any presentation on personal opinion is going to fuck you over in the long run. I did a "persuasive" speech on why everyone should not watch TV in a communications class. I put "persuasive" in quotation marks because in the long run, not even I was persuaded to turn off my TV. I guess if you're going to pick a topic to persuade people on, choose one that you feel even a little bit of personal conviction about. I'm sure it read how completely ingenuine I was when I sat up there and spouted out lame arguments like "you'd have more time to exercise" and "your eyes would get more eagle-y". I almost typed "your eyes will get more elvish", but that would be really geeky. However, the fact that I did just confess to almost typing that means that I should have just typed it in the first place, and left it at that. I end up doing that a lot on this site. Coming up with some really nerdy analogy, and then not using it, but still mentioning that I almost used it, thus negating and actually enhancing the sheer nerd quotient from using the analogy in the first place. I should either stop that, or just full out embrace my dorkiness. I'm pretty close to that last one. I'm on step nine out of ten, but I can't tell you what the actual steps are, or I'll get in trouble with the Nerd Mafia. Or is it Mafioso? What's the difference, really? I hear them both used pretty interchangeably, and I can't help but wonder if they are just the same word, but with different suffixes. If that's the case, I'm totally using mafioso, because it got the better suffix in that deal. I think my favorite suffix of all time is -gate, because you can add it onto the end of any word in this day and age, and make it sound like a horrible scandal. The big one now is Memogate, and in Clinton's term it was Lewinskygate, and if the next president is Kerry, it'll be hairproductgate, and if Microsoft ever became the supreme overlords of Earth, like it's been prophesied in the cave wall bitmap files from early versions of Windows, it'll be Gatesgate. That makes me think of couscous, which gets negative points from me instantaneously because of its stupid name. I don't even need to try the stuff, which I doubt I ever will do, because I don't eat foods with dumb names. Falafel? Nope. Vegemite sandwiches? Uh uh. I can't think of any other stupid names for foods off the top of my head, but believe me, I've thought long and hard about this. I don't even know what couscous is, but I'm staying the hell away from it. It's probably made of bubonic plague juice, or something. Adding "juice" to the end of stuff is intrinsically funny, I think. If you call milk "boob juice" or urine "bladder juice" or that stuff that comes out of grapefruits "grapefruit juice", it just sounds better. However, referring to any post-mortem expellants as "death juice" is not funny, because death is a serious thing, and should never be made into a joke, unless it's something that you really think I'll laugh at, in which case, go ahead! I'll laugh at just about any joke that other people consider too dark to be funny, so chances are, you'll hit comic gold with that one. In fact, I think we should all go out and write joke books and try to sell them. You can freelance as a jokebook writer and make mad cash in today's collapsing markets. You'd have to worry about insurance and all that stuff, but at least you'd have a steady income. There's ALWAYS a demand for joke books. That, and cook books. I bet if you combined them, you'd make a mint. But you'd have to give me some credit. I've always wanted a dedication page of a major publication dedicated to me. So, unless I marry a really hot authorette, chances are I'm going to have to rely on whoever writes the joke cook book to give me some props. Can you do that for me? For your old pal Steve? Because I'll do it for you, when I write my first book. I promise. Cross my heart, and all that good stuff. Also, what does crossing your heart have to do with anything, especially if you aren't Christian. Does crossing your heart have any impact on a Jew or a Muslim? Is there another phrase I should be using, like, "Star of David my heart and hope to suffer endless guilt"? Probably.
Anyway, what was I talking about again? Oh, right, weather. I hate it. That's all.
