New York, New York

I don't really know how to begin a post about an entire weekend. I had a hard time getting around to ever posting about Chicago back in April, and when I finally did post, it didn't do it justice. I'll just try to sum it up:

Thursday:
I arrived. Went to dinner with Dan and his parents. Experienced the Ridge, a local diner, a little later that night.

Friday:
Guster day! We didn't do much during the day except get lunch with a few of Dan's friends, but around 4, we headed out to the Guster concert. Good show, and it was free. The only downsides being that it was hot out and the set was short, but free outweighs all, as I will mention again later. Here's the set list, in case anyone but me is interested:
Barrel of a Gun, I Spy, Amsterdam, Happier, Airport Song, Ramona, (Nothing But) Flowers (Talking Heads cover), Homecoming King, Demons, Fa Fa, and Keep it Together for an encore.
I'd usually post a review, but it was a short show and I've got other stuff to cover. The new album is amazing, you should all go buy it. We were too wiped to do anything else after this, plus we had a big day ahead of us, so we crashed early.

Saturday:
Jossalyn Day! Jossie came over to Dan's, and we went to The Bronx Zoo. I love zoos. We were kicked out by a disgruntled zoo employee around 5:45 (the zoo closes at 5:30) and we headed to the Upright Citizen's Brigade Theatre. We caught the first show, which was pretty decent longform improv with some group named Respectamundo or something with Respect in the title. They threw in a few too many dirty and/or offensive jokes for my tastes. We decided to stick around for the second show, by a group called Mother, and that was much better. It was a variation of longform I've never seen before where the actors portray the same character throughout the scenes. Very interesting. For their second half, they improvised scenes based around music the audience brings in. Again, very good and interesting. After that, we headed back and said a tearful goodbye to Jossalyn, minus the tears because big boys don't cry, and girls only cry if it's their party and they want to.

Sunday:
The day was pretty much a bust. Unless I am forgetting something major, Dan and I just bummed around for a while until we went out to dinner with his parents. After that, we headed to the UCB Theatre again for more improv. It was a free show called Assscat or something like that. It was like an all-star team composed of members of Second City, UCB, other UCB groups, and even celebrity guests. The celebrity guests this week were one of the writers for The Onion and none other than SNL's Rachel Dratch! We had to wait in line for around an hour for standby tickets to sit on the floor, but it was totally worth it (see my previous comment about how good "free" is). The show was incredible, and I left wanting to do long form improv really really bad.

Monday:
Breakfast. Drive home. That's it.

Good weekend. I enjoyed it a lot. Thanks goes out to Dan and his fellow Hodoses for allowing me to stay with them and whatnot.

Exactly 38 hours after I bought it, I have finished Harry Potter and the Order of the Phoenix. Who's got a life?

Not me.

It's a really good book. I highly recommend it, along with the rest of the series, to anyone who hasn't given the books a chance, for whatever reason.

So I'm out with Cheryl, Leanne, and Mandy tonight, and we get the crazy idea: why not go enjoy the party and get a copy of Harry Potter? Leanne had a copy reserved at Border's, so we decided to go pick it up. We get there, and the madness starts. Here's a quick rundown of what happens:
10:00 - We arrive at Borders. Mandy and I are told that you cannot get a copy without a reservation. Cheryl and Leanne stay to wait for Leanne's copy, Mandy and I decide to go check Barnes and Noble.
10:15 - Mandy and I arrive at B+N. Same story as with Borders. Our first encounter with Bill, a disgruntled postal worker in the same situation we are. He attempts to buy off B+N employee with what seems to be a wad of one dollar bills. It does not work. We laugh at his indescribable odor. We head to the mall for Waldenbooks, our last resort.
10:30 - We arrive at Waldenbooks. There is a short line outside, and we are told that we can wait in line with the others who have not reserved copies, and we might be able to get one. We take our place, around 25th in line, next to a nice young couple whose names I have forgotten. We commence conversation with them, regarding an open window of a nearby store.
10:34 - Bill arrives. He apparently had the same idea we did. He sits down next to us, and we are forced to deal with his disgruntledness and his aromaticness (I'm not sure this is a word, but it's a nice way of saying he smelled awful) for the next hour and twenty-six minutes.
10:35 - Bill tells us all that we are stupid for liking Harry Potter. He unfavorably compares the book to the Beatles phenomenon. When nice young man next to us makes a joke that the books are better than the Hulk, Bill says, deadly serious, that "you can bust on the Hulk but don't touch the Flash". Uneasy silence follows.
10:36 - That uneasy silence I just mentioned.
10:37-11:00 - Small talk time. Nothing really exciting happens. All of the real crazies were at Borders and Barnes and Noble. Our line mainly consisted of desperate parents who had forgotten to reserve a copy for their child (i.e. Bill the Postman). We did have one really bizarre lady in a white t-shirt with "Harry Potter" written on it in fabric marker pass by and comment that the little innocent girl sitting a few spots away from us looked like Ginny Weasley. We are all embarrassed together, and hope the woman leaves soon. She does.
11:00 - Apparently, Springfield Mall's Waldenbooks has hired a magician to entertain the line of Potter fans, which has now substantially grown around the corner of the mall. We first start to notice him, and think he is a line-breaker. As a group, we all decide to break his legs when he approaches.
11:25 - He approaches. We break his legs. And by break his legs, I mean we watch his act, which was subpar at best. He did some gimpy card tricks and a really bad rubber band linking trick. We humor him. Well, by we, I don't include Bill, who heckled the magician throughout the one to four minute act he did for us. At the end of the act, Bill asks the magician for a card, and books him for his Fourth of July party.
11:30-11:45 - We talk about the Harry Potter books for a while.
11:45 - They announce the plan of attack for book selling.
11:59 - We buy books. One full minute before they go on sale everywhere else. Mandy and I rule.
12:10 - Mandy and I head back to Borders. Cheryl and Leanne are no closer to receiving book. Mandy and I revel in our victory. We laugh at the Borders employee who told us hope was lost. I buy two jazz CDs while waiting for the girls to get their book. They get it, we leave like the champions we are.
Man, what an event.

Man, work sucks. I need to do something about having to do this for the rest of my life. High on my list right now are:
winning the lottery
winning the publisher's clearing house sweepstakes
winning the heart of an elderly sugar mama

That's all I've got right now. Any other suggestions?

Christina wons the impromptu fiction crown tonight.

Christina (12:44:23 AM): okay, once upon the time there was a man named hamburger harry who worked in his family's hamburger stand
Steve (12:44:40 AM): How long had his family owned it?
Christina (12:44:51 AM): generations upon generations
Christina (12:45:02 AM): and he had never done anything else except work there
Steve (12:45:08 AM): What about school?
Christina (12:45:13 AM): and he was pretty bored, work sucked the life out of him, and he wanted more
Steve (12:45:23 AM): I feel that.
Christina (12:45:35 AM): he only went up to learning how to work a cash register, and after that, that was all he needed to work at the family biz
Steve (12:45:50 AM): True.
Christina (12:46:11 AM): so day after day he flipped burgers and dreamed of something more, in his heart he wanted to be a famous archeologist like indiana jones
Steve (12:46:25 AM): Without proper schooling, that is suicide!
Christina (12:46:35 AM): exactly!
Steve (12:46:42 AM): What a daredevil!
Christina (12:46:50 AM): so he secretly sent away for a correspondence course in archeology
Christina (12:47:30 AM): but his father found out about it, and tore up the information packet that came in the mail the next day
Steve (12:47:39 AM): Did Larry know about that?
Christina (12:47:54 AM): heart broken harry decided his best bet was to run away forever, having no money he was forced to ride the rails
Steve (12:48:08 AM): Like Kerouac!
Christina (12:48:21 AM): luckily he met some nice hobo friends that taught him the ropes
Christina (12:48:31 AM): and so he found himself in the sahara dessert
Steve (12:48:32 AM): Like, tying knots?
Christina (12:48:35 AM): yes
Christina (12:48:41 AM): and there he stole a camel
Steve (12:48:45 AM): That was a quick train trip.
Steve (12:48:49 AM): Did he start in Europe?
Christina (12:49:10 AM): and so on the camel he rode until he stopped at an oasis to get some water
Steve (12:49:17 AM): Was it midnight at the oasis?
Christina (12:49:18 AM): there he noticed the sound of tiny pings
Christina (12:49:24 AM): haha yes
Steve (12:49:36 AM): PINGS?!
Steve (12:49:42 AM): NOOOOO!!!!
Christina (12:49:53 AM): and when he looked behind the palm tree he saw a archeological site
Christina (12:50:00 AM): and there supervising was indiana jones
Steve (12:50:02 AM): Phew.
Christina (12:50:39 AM): and when their eyes met, it was love at first site
Steve (12:50:45 AM): Aww.
Steve (12:50:49 AM): I knew Jones was a homo!
Christina (12:50:56 AM): harry ran into his arms and indy spun him around
Steve (12:51:12 AM): Uck, Grandpa! Is this a kissing book?!
Christina (12:51:17 AM): just then they heard a noise in the distance
Christina (12:51:29 AM): are you saying i look like peter falk?
Steve (12:51:31 AM): Eels?
Steve (12:51:34 AM): A little.
Steve (12:51:35 AM): Go on.
Steve (12:51:37 AM): :-)
Christina (12:51:47 AM): no it was worse, than eels
Steve (12:51:53 AM): Worse than eels?!
Steve (12:51:56 AM): Big eels?!
Christina (12:52:08 AM): a ninja star flew threw the air and sliced off harry's long flowing locks
Christina (12:52:19 AM): what was that he cried?!
Steve (12:52:26 AM): I can hear it!
Steve (12:52:30 AM): You bring this story to life!
Christina (12:52:40 AM): and then suddenly the two lovers found themselves surrounded by a band of unruly ninja dinosaurs
Steve (12:52:49 AM): Why do they all have to be so unruly?
Steve (12:52:55 AM): Most ninjas are so silent and respectful.
Christina (12:52:57 AM): yipes! they cried
Christina (12:53:22 AM): it looked like they were done for!
Christina (12:53:29 AM): the dinosaurs crept closer and closer
Steve (12:53:30 AM): Yes it does!
Christina (12:53:32 AM): foaming at the mouth
Steve (12:53:38 AM): Like dinosaurs are wont to do.
Christina (12:53:52 AM): indy and harry holding each other tight prepared themselves for the pain of death
Steve (12:54:18 AM): Is that a secret dinosaur ninja move?
Christina (12:54:18 AM): when just then, out of the sewers came four large adolescent mutated tortoises
Steve (12:54:24 AM): Cameos!
Christina (12:54:32 AM): it was none other than the teenage mutant ninja turtles
Steve (12:54:39 AM): No shit?!
Christina (12:55:02 AM): with insurmountable fury they brought the dino ninjas down one by one
Christina (12:55:08 AM): victory was theirs!
Steve (12:55:12 AM): Huzzah!
Christina (12:55:28 AM): and so they all celebrated with pizza party
Christina (12:55:32 AM): cowabunga, the end

That's good storytelling.

Let's come up with a list of lame superheroes and their respective powers. I'll start it off with two...
(a personal favorite) Manthol - Born with the ability to smell like mint!
The Brazilian Nut - A crazy man from Rio who made a hard protective shell out of spit, teflon, and papier mache, and fights crime in the name of King Louis XVI.

Now it's your turn, faithful readers.

To anyone reading this, I have four strong words:
Go see Finding Nemo.
Seriously. It's awesome.
Okay, that was seven. But the first four would have sufficed.

I haven't written anything political lately, because I'm so fed up with politics. However, I saw this article and had to comment. And that comment is this:

It's about fucking time.

The highlight of my day today was receiving an e-mail. An e-mail that put all of my problem-solving capabilities to work. An e-mail that proved that I am needed. An e-mail with a simple subject. At least, I assume it had a simple subject. I never made it past the subject line. It went a little something like this:

Immpoortaant aa hefty 5sausage righht awaay

I'm not sure what this means. I might know had I read any further into the e-mail, but I doubt it. Here are a few things I could gather from what I did read:
1.) This person desperately needs five processed meat tubes.
2.) They are typing with a keyboard that is so mired in filth that the keys stick.
3.) He or she is a recovering alcoholic.
4.) Regardless of the conventional wisdom against fatty foods, this person is on the road to a heart attack.

As far as I can tell, this e-mail was a cry for help. It's a shame I could not get around to helping them, but I was too busy assisting Russian male order brides with enhancing their penis length. I am only one man.

It's official. We have DSL. Hot damn!

I have tomorrow off for "Shavuot". I don't know what this is. It's either a Jewish holiday or a brand of vacuum cleaner. Whatever it is, I want to thank it for cancelling work.

I just witnessed the senior rabbi scream her head off at a custodian, who only speaks Spanish, because the lecturn was not on the stage in the sanctuary. She was calling him stupid and an idiot, and asking everyone if he had any idea what he was doing. This is a man who has no Jewish background, working alone since the rest of the custodial staff called in sick today. Meanwhile, she makes upwards of $100,000 a year, while he makes $6.50 an hour to do shit work around the synagogue. Way to preach tolerance.

Update: Doug never went to jail. That makes us both liars. He lied when he said he had. I lied when I said he doesn't deserve to be cornholed.