If you break down the word "work", you come to understand just how evil it is. Seriously. See if you can follow me:

"wo" - The first two letters. My love is like it, and also it is used to represent sorrow. Obviously, what this means is that the use of "wo" is contingent upon a fondness for simile and other verbal comparisons while sad. That's pretty depressing in my book.
"r" - The most evil, wretched letter of them all. 18th out of 26...do a little extrapolation and simple division, and that works out to .69...and if one recalls the expression "the three r's", you can put two and two together and realize that what the message being sent to little kids is. 69 three times. Have oral sex with multiple partners. That's what I want MY kids hearing as they grow up. Thanks a lot, #18.
"k" - Multiply it times three and you have racial hatred.

So "work", when broken down, represents crippling depression, underage sexual deviancy, and outrageous bigotry. It's no wonder nobody ever wants to come in on a Monday morning.

Ik heb het neveligst begrip waarom niet, maar ik vervilt zoals typen van deze ingang in mijn website in Nederlandze. Ik leerde nooit Nederlands noch ik is op leren het in mijn Levenstijd en ik zelfs niet Nederlandze doe plan denken dat aantrekkelijke van een taal wanneer gesprekenene, tenzij een echt hete melkmeid girl met houten klompen praat, maar het scheen zoals een radicaal ding te doen (van je definitie van "radicale" : niet echt de Tienermutant Ninja Schildpadden definitie per se afhangd, maar ook niet het Revolutionaire definitie ofwel.. Mijn eigen speciale defintion). Ik denk dat het is ontzag inspirerende dat ik iets zoals deze doen kan en mijn evenzeer dorky vrienden vinden een weg om mijn paal rug in Engels te vertalen. Ga team!

I don't make it a habit of mine to carry a thermometer around, but I feel like if I did, I would have proof that they converted my office into a meat locker over the weekend. I swear I can see my breath right now, blow smoke rings with it if I wanted to, even though through my window I see birds melting when they touch down upon the pavement. My hands are a shade of blue usually reserved only for newer car models and paint jobs on Trading Spaces. If you need to get in touch with me for the next couple of days, please contact Temple Rodef Shalom's religious school and ask them to turn up the AC so I might have a chance to thaw.

McDonalds must have done a survey in an attempt to find out what makes people the most appreciative in the morning, and what they came up with must have been "cheesy jokes", because I see no other reason why the following was on my tray liner when I went to breakfast this morning:

Two McGriddles walk into a breakfast bar...
...the third one ducks.

What is the best way to eat McGriddles?
We recommend using your mouth.

What are two things you can't eat for breakfast?
Lunch and dinner. (We suggest eating New McGriddles!)

What are McGriddles' favorite music?
Hip-Hop. Because they're always seen with wrappers.

Ahh, McDonalds. The number one source for quality breakfast sandwich humor since 1929.

Just as awesome the second time.

Good Humor

When I get bored, my mind starts to wander. Luckily, I get bored a lot at this job, so I have lots of wandering mind time. Today, I was thinking of how the Good Humor man got his name. Someone with a less worldly life than me might think it was something so simple as the fact that early ice cream vendors were of constant pleasant disposition. I don't agree. Here are some of my historical interpretations of where the name came from:
- "Good Humor" is ancient Dutch for "ice cream on a stick". Unfortunately, ancient Dutch was only a language for three days, so not many people know about it.
- The inventor of the ice cream bar was named James Goodhumor. He was a pilgrim, and was mentioned briefly in The Scarlet Letter:
"and thus he walked past and ladled Hester's crimson ornation with scorn, contrary to his moniker, which would lend one's mind to think elsewise"
It's not explicitly stated, but it is easily implied.
- The saying "good job" was originally "good jab" in the early 1900s, and has evolved from a statement meaning "way to stick it to that guy you just made fun of" into "you have done well". Good Humor harks back to those days with a sort of obscure nostalgia.
- During the Crusades, "Good Humor" was an allegory for "the Holy Grail". When they heard the familiar tinkling of armor coming over a hill, crusaders would shout "Good Humor man!" as a sign that they should start speaking in code lest the enemy overhear their plans.
- In the ice age, right around the time the English language was being developed, cavemen would complement each other on a particularly juicy mammoth by saying "good humerus", as the funny bone was the choicest and plumpest bone in the mammoth's body.
These are just my interpretations, but I'm sure somewhere in there lies the truth.

It's Not Just For Porno Anymore

What if you changed one letter from the titles of this summer's movies?

Alex and Erma
Alex is a writer who owes money to the mob, and the only way to make the money is to transcribe a book from start to finish in a week. Unfortunately, all the hot transcribers are out to lunch when he goes into the office and he is stuck with Erma, a 72-year-old grandmother.

Binding Nemo
The lovable young clownfish in an ad for Immodium A-D.

Bruce Alrighty
Jim Carrey plays dual roles as both God and Ace Ventura investigating whether or not God stole a rare breed of marmoset.

From Dustin to Kelly
The musical love story between Kelly Clarkson and Dustin Hoffman. It has to do better than the original.

Mend It Like Beckham
After he tragically breaks his leg in a motorcycle dealership accident, David Beckham gives up soccer for a career as a tailor. This movie follows the trials and tribulations of a young Indian girl who wants to follow in her idol's footsteps and become a master seamstress.

Pilates of the Caribbean
A rough-and-tumble tale of the early days of yoga.

Rugrats go Mild
The Rugrats are sick of being forced to eat medium salsa by their strict authoritarian parents. This is the story of their triumph over adversity as they become independent youths and eat whatever spice level they desire.

Sinbad: Legend of the Seven Skas
Sinbad takes a historical journey through the seven incarcerations of ska music throughout the years, from it's humble beginnings in Jamaica to its newest forms as a punk hybrid.

The Sulk
An artsy story about a young Bruce Banner who turns green whenever he experiences feelings of angst. There's a deeper meaning in here somewhere, but you probably wouldn't understand it.

A Meathead's Lament

What do marijuana, SUVs, and Napster all have in common?

Why, they all fund terrorists, of course!

Yep, according to Interpol, the al-Qaida terrorist network is using pirated music to fund their operations.

First of all, I'd like to say that this is a ridiculous notion. Completely absurd.

Out of curiosity, what is next? It seems that they are targeting every aspect of a frat boy's life as possible sources of terrorist funds. They've taken away his drugs, his ride, and his 50 Cent. All they need to do is say that cheaply stitched Greek letters are where Osama is getting his money, and guys named Ox across the country are going to have no reason to live.

Also, this is the best picture on the internet. Period.

Who greenlighted this?!

If you've ever seen the commercial, you know the way that this guy feels. If you HAVEN'T seen the commercial, click on the link to watch it and prepare to be disturbed for the rest of your life.

Continuing the string of good movies, I saw Bend It Like Beckham tonight.



Another great one. It's like one part My Big Fat Greek Wedding, one part The Mighty Ducks, one part any romantic comedy, and a splash of Tunak Tunak all rolled into one. I don't really feel like giving any specifics, just since I'm sick and don't feel like staying online very long, but suffice it to say, you should go check it out if it's playing near you.



Also, after seeing this movie and Pirates, I'm convinced that Keira Knightley and I are soulmates. She's incredible. I'll have to look into having our people set us up.

This is a great article.

A Most Pleasant Surprise

I went to go see Pirates of the Caribbean last night. I wasn't expecting much, and actually thought from the previews that it looked pretty stupid. However, I was bored at work yesterday and read some reviews, and they all said that the movie was a lot of fun and Johnny Depp was incredible, so I gave it a shot.


Dear God.

That was one of the most awesome movies I've seen at the theater in a long time. It's strange, not so long ago I was lamenting the death of the "adventure" film. They just don't make movies like they did in the 70s and 80s, full of heroes and villains and love stories and sword fights and all that. Sure, they've attempted the formula, but can you think of anything from the 90s that wasn't really just a suspense film with a big budget for special effects? I'm talking the glory days that peaked around the Star Wars and Indiana Jones trilogies. Those were adventure flicks. This movie gave me a nostalgic feeling of watching those movies as a kid.
The SFX in this movie were incredible. The first time you see a pirate turn into a skeleton under the full moon, you have to smile, because it's seamless. It looks fantastic. Sure, they might overuse this, but it NEEDS to be overused, it's that good of an effect.
And now, on to Johnny Depp. I have to admit, I haven't seen much of his work, but what I have seen, I have really liked. He was perfect in Fear and Loathing in Las Vegas, and that's all that matters. He is equally righteous as Jack Sparrow in this movie. He's the most bizarre, hysterical, and intense pirate I have ever seen, all at the same time. It's like Johnny is in a league of his own in this movie. Not that the other characters are bad, and Keira Knightley is RIDICULOUSLY hot, but Depp really steals the show. He's perfect for the role.
I don't know what else to write except that you should drop whatever you are holding (unless it's a hot iron or a baby) and go see this movie right now. I'm not sure if it was just going into it with such low expectations or that the film really was that awesome, but it's definitely worth your time. In my opinion, this is the best summer blockbuster to come out since I can remember.

Bill Clinton was, all personal problems aside, a pretty good president. However, because he was hated for the Republicans for BEING a good president, he was impeached for getting head.

Bush, on the other hand, is a horrible leader. Time and time again since he came into office three years ago, he has fucked up on pretty crucial issues, and overseen some of the most conservative legislation since the Reagan administration. And now, as it turns out, he lied about the weapons of mass destruction in Iraq. Yet somehow, he remains the Republicans golden boy who can do no wrong. What the hell is our country coming to? Heaven help us if he wins re-election in 2004. I'll be the first one in a U-Haul to Canada.

I had this thought today. What if you found a lamp, and rubbed it, and a genie came out, and granted you three wishes, but with the stipulation that they had to be the most ridiculous, inane, or trivial desires in your heart. What would you want? Here's my list:
1.) all ducks in the continental U.S. would be renamed "Greg"
2.) a giant afghan would be knit out of all the other afghans in the world and used to cover the Galapagos Islands when they get cold
3.) turnips would learn how to dance

I convinced myself I'd never watch Goldmember. I liked Austin Powers, and Austin Powers 2 was okay, but really pushed the limits of good taste and/or good humor. However, the neighbors just bought the movie, and I had nothing else to do, so I popped it in.

Jesus. That was the worst movie I've ever seen. I've seen some real garbage in my life. The only thing slightly worse than this movie was Eight Crazy Nights with Adam Sandler. Anyone who read my away messages after I saw that knows how bad I thought that was. As a comedian, Mike Myers should be ashamed of himself for letting this piece of tripe get made. The funniest bit in the entire movie was the opening credits. That's it. All downhill from there.

I'd write more, but A.) this movie doesn't deserve any more words that that, and B.) the dearth of intelligence in this movie has already made me stupider, as witnessed in the lack of cohesive structure in the above paragraph.

I just signed up for a character workshop through Washington Improv Theatre. I don't know much about the group, but I imagine that the classes will be pretty good, as well as fun and full of new character exercises. The only problem is that the classes are from 7-9:30 on Wednesday nights in Dupont Circle, in downtown D.C. That's not really THAT big of a problem, but it's a bit of a walk from the metro to the church where the classes are taught. I just hope that it's nice out for the next eight weeks or so.

I want to add a sidebar to my website where I can let the world know what I'm listening to. However, I have no idea how to do this short of updating my blog every time I change the song. Everyone else seems to do it pretty easily. Any thoughts, reading public?