I've been really sore all day. Apparently I need to stretch properly before the next time I go to the driving range.

Tomorrow is my third day in a row of work, and I'll be there Saturday and Sunday too. Work sucks.

I really don't have anything interesting to say. Umm...the phrase "raining cats and dogs" came from the olden days when cats and dogs slept in thatched roofs to stay warm. I guess that was mildly interesting.

Golf is fun! More to come later. Right now, I need a nap.

The Super Bowl was pretty lame. Anyone else feel that way? I like a lot of edge of your seat stuff, like paratroopers and snow forts and gummi bears being throw all over the place and a giraffe. There was none of that at this year's Super Bowl. I don't really see what was so super about it.


What WILL be super is the Improv Bowl, which is tomorrow night at 8 at Grafton Stovall. It is completely free and that is a major bonus in this day and age when nothing comes free. It's also a major paradox, but we'll forgive that because it's a paradox full of funny goodness. Come and see my team kick ass and win by many, many points.

This is the worst candy in the world.


It's apparently called "ribbon candy" and Kim's grandmother likes it. Here are some pictures of me eating it.





Or click here for the video.

Kim's grandmother is weird.

Improv Bowl IV (we like to use Roman numerals in improv, because it's funnier) is coming up. It's going to be really, really, really good*. Here is a picture of New and Improv'd hanging out with I.T., William and Mary's improv group, to nail the point home:


*New and Improv'd only means good in the Biblical** sense of the word

**I only used Biblical because I couldn't think of anything else***.

***I forgot to include the details. Monday, January 27th. Grafton-Stovall. 8 pm. FREE! For more info, go to New and Improv'd: The Homepage.

Man, I never feel like doing anything on weekends anymore. Will this lethargic sensation follow me for the rest of my days?

Also, almost no one comments on my site. I want to hear what you guys think, even if it's not related to what I wrote.

Man, this site is turning into a regular playground for me to complain about my political views lately. Now, given, I'm not very current on the news. I read CNN.com at least two or three times a day, but that's about it. However, I don't think it takes much reading to discover that the war with Iraq is a sham. It seems that the Bush administration is using anything it can get it's grubby little paws on as kindling to start a fire under our asses and make us want to fight. Come on, seriously. Twelve empty chemical warheads are not "troubling and serious" in my book. Could it possibly be that Iraq, like the United States, has leftover weapons in their country? Just because the U.S. is the world's biggest superpower doesn't give us the right to tell other countries if they can or can't keep their junk lying around. I mean, the warheads were empty. The goal was to get Iraq to de-arm themselves, and I'd say empty warheads are just about as de-armed as you can be. Would Bush like Saddam to melt the warheads down into oil rigs before he is happy? Because seriously, let's face it, our nation may be going to war because some of Bush's drinking buddies are going to lose money on middle Eastern oil.

Happy New Years! Welcome to 1984 everyone. Have some champagne, so long as you are over the age of 21, have no previous criminal record, have a perfect credit record, driving record, health record, and walking record, get your teeth checked by a dentist every six months, use only FDA-approved vitamin supplements, leave all the tags on your mattresses, floss regularly, cross at crosswalks, stay within the predetermined boundaries, tip your waitress at least fifteen percent, use only the prescripted dosage, lather, rinse, and repeat.
Our government sucks. Is it too late to get a new one?

I feel like my webpage needs something new. I can't upload pictures to it, but other than that, I can do a lot. What do you all think? Comment and let me know.

I'm in the library learning how to look up books. I would say that if I haven't learned that by this point in my college career, I'm pretty fucked.

I just came to the sad realization that my thoughts on abortion can be summed up in less words than my thoughts on haircuts. Anyone want to guess at what that says about me as a person?

This really excites me. I'm a real dork.

On another note, I rarely get annoyed by politics. Yes, I'm a liberal. No, I'm not a Democrat. I don't care one way or the other who is in power, I basically feel that our two parties are essentially the same. I tend to agree more with the Democrats, but that doesn't excuse them from being money-grubbing whores. Anyway, the point is, I'm not politically active, and I rarely express my beliefs about political things. But this really irked me. Sorry to any of you reading this who are pro-life, but I think that most pro-life arguments are bullshit, and I think declaring a National Life Day or whatever is about the most pompous "I'm right and you aren't" thing I've ever heard. I could sit here and flesh out all of the reasons why I disagree with pro-lifers, but it's nothing new. To sum them up in one long sentence, it's a woman's right, if you are so concerned with children then why do you turn your nose at single mothers living in poverty, why is it any of your business anyway, the damn thing isn't even alive yet, there are usually extinuating circumstances leading up to the abortion, it's safer if it's legalized than if it's being done illegally on the streets, and on and on. If I wasn't tired, I'm sure I'd come up with a longer list of my beliefs. As it is, this should be enough to generate plenty of comments either for or against what I'm saying.

I think I want to be a writer after I get out of college, at least until I get on my feet so far as actually performing comedy. A lot of the best in the business got their starts that way, and I'm sure it's a hell of a lot of fun, regardless of the pressure. Plus, there's always the drugs.

I ate almost an entire box of Goldfish on my own over the past day, with almost no help. I think I'm going to be sick.
Also, here's another website: All Your Base

Update: I added a new links section on the left-hand side. I'll add these links to that as I find them, and throw in a few new ones for good measure.

Starting today, I'm going to see if I can't find every website that Caitie, Doug, and I obsessed over sophomore year, or what I like to refer to as "the year of the reminiscion". Here's the first one I could find.

HBO would be doing the world a disservice if they didn't release seasons 3 and 4 of Mr. Show. I know I've brought this up before, but the more I watch it, the better it gets. I'm willing to start a petition, anyone with me? Can I get an "amen"? Or a "whatwhat"? Or whatever we are getting these days?

Most evil song title ever:
Sk8er Boi by Avril Lavigne

Second most evil song title ever:
Hitler had Some Good Ideas by skinheads everywhere

I really hate getting my hair cut. It's not that I like shaggy hair. I like keeping my hair neat, which means getting a hair cut about once a month. The problem is, the whole process just sucks. First off, haircutters, or whatever their proper name is, insist on making small talk. If I get my hair cut at JMU, they always ask me if I go to JMU first, and then ask me about my major. Of course I go to JMU, I'm not asking for my hair to be cut into mullet-like shapes, and I hate explaining what I do as a film major to a hair stylist, seeing as how I don't know myself what I do. Also, without fail, the hair person I get mumbles or has some other speech impediment. I swear, one day I'm going to get a deaf person who tries to sign while he or she is cutting my hair. Then, there are the compliments on how thick my hair is. Like that's a compliment, anyway, but I always get told how thick my hair is, and I always quip, in a mock witty tone, that I will never go bald, and we share a fake laugh. They also ask me every single time if I want to keep my sideburns or not. I've had sideburns since my sophomore year of high school, which makes it almost six years. Multiply that by 12, for my one hair cut a month, and it means that I have rejected seventy-two offers to shave off my sideburns. If I didn't want them, would I really keep them there? Am I completely without razor when I go home? Wouldn't I ask if I wanted them removed? Then, there is the fact that while you are getting your hair cut, you always get an itch at some unreachable place on your face as soon as the hair cutter starts clipping, and you have to get your hand out from under the tarp they put on you and scratch, and then the hair cutter backs off and starts dusting you like they are searching for fingerprints in a vain attempt to find a stray hair which was never really there. Also, while trapped beneath the tarp-apron, or tarp-ron, as I will now start referring to it as, at least one song you cannot stand comes on whatever soft rock station they are currently playing on the house station. Today, it was Living La Vida Loca, and I almost asked her to cut off my ears in a vain attempt to block out the noise. I guess what it all boils down to is that you go into a barbershop and have this perfect haircut envisioned in your mind. You know exactly how you want it to look, and you know it's possible, since you've probably gotten it before. Afterwards, after the barber has, without fail, cut it either too short or left too much, you are forced to compare this haircut to the perfect haircut, in an attempt to rationalize how good or bad this haircut is. It's too much for me. Sometimes, I wish I was bald.

I'm really a big fan of Mr. Show these days. I wish it was still on. I will get the DVD as soon as I can.
Also, I really want to get a Tempur-Pedic bed. Is it just me, or does that look like a damn sexy mattress?

A side note: I'm fed up with Jared from Subway. Who told this guy that being really fat at one point in your life was an instant claim to fame?

You know those classes you take by mail that they advertise for all the time on television? The ones with Sally Struthers, most of the time? Where you can train to be a veterinary assistant, PC repairman, high school gym teacher, or whatever other job you fancy? Those look really lame. I always wonder how many people use these services. Don't most of the jobs on that list give you on the job training? I can't imagine needing to get mail learning how to repair a motorcycle, I'd think you learn it through doing it. Actually, I don't want to know how many people do this. I think I'd be disconcerted by the amount of people who work on things that I pay a lot of money for and are trained one 37 cent stamp at a time.

Worth noting: in every foreign movie, the white dude is evil. Usually, malicious facial hair accompanies his skin tone. Just goes to show that nothing is more dangerous than an American with a goatee.

I think the "online quiz" phenomenon has gone on for long enough. Today I've discovered that:
I am Stoner Bear
I am going to Hell because I obsessively collect Lord of the Rings merchandise (since when?)
I would star in an exhibitionist porno
My deep, dark Muppet secret is that I am Grover on ecstasy
Right.

I just got back from eating at Lone Star Steakhouse. I've decided that I really don't like theme restaurants. Not that the food isn't good...I mean, it's nothing special, but it's not bad. What I really hate is the whole forced decor and atmosphere. Just because your restaurant has three neon roses and a hanging moose head does NOT make it authentic Texan cuisine. In fact, I don't understand why either of those things are in a restaurant that prides itself on being Texan cuisine in the first place. What is Texan cuisine after all? Bigger steaks than other places? Because my steak was pretty damn small. I'd have to call that very un-Texan, perhaps even North Dakotan or something else far away from Texas. And a moose head? Aren't they from up north? Do they belong there? Maybe the place was owned by an authentic Canadian restaurant beforehand and it was too hard to get the nails out of the moose head. The neon roses make a little sense, because I'm pretty sure there's a song or something about a Texan rose, but still...wouldn't a map or cowboy gear be a little more a propos? I'm not just picking on Lone Star here, the other themers (as I like to call them) are the same way. Outback is one of the worst, it's like every one of them made replicas of the props closet from Crocodile Dundee and glued them to the wall. And I swear I almost walked into the womens room when I was a kid because I didn't know the difference between a "bloke" and a "sheila". There used to be one, I think it went out of business, but it was called Bugaboo Creek. It was a Canadian themer. What the fuck? There were mountie uniforms on the walls, and a big stuffed buffalo head that sang every once in a while. That place deserved to shut down. I'll get my fix of Canadian food from an egg mcmuffin, thanks.

As the night wears on, I realize more and more things. Here are two more observances:
1.) No matter what kind of crack-addict-looking person you are, a white lab coat makes you look professional in a commercial. You could have fangs, a greasy little mustache, and wear a hat that says "I'm Satan" on it, and people would still trust your chiropractic, hair regrowth, or dental whitening advice without fail if you are shrouded in those holy robes of wisdom.
2.) The phrase "I thought you were different" has officially become a cliche. People of the world, stop using it. Screenwriters of the world, you first.

Is it just me, or does it seem that the entire Internet is being set up as one gigantic dating pool? All of the sites I used to go to all of the time are now trying to set me up with people with webcams and the ability to quip lightly about themselves in the limited space allotted by dating services. I just took an IQ test on Emode, and afterwards, there was a list of girls (and a few men...) who's profiles matched my test scores, or some such bullshit. I went to The Onion the other day, and accidentally clicked on a dating site link where the old Onion A-V Club links section used to be. I can't help but wonder how this came about. It seems that the age of "boy-meets-girl" is officially over. Bars and clubs are the ways of the past, phone lines and local area networks are the new pickup joints. It's kind of disheartening...well, I guess not for everyone. The ugly, the anti-social, and the agoraphobic are rejoicing.

On the disappearance of Lisa:
me (12:38:18 AM): Hey, where is Lisa?
me (12:38:20 AM): did she vanish?
me (12:38:23 AM): She's never online.
Christina (12:38:57 AM): i just think she doesn't really use the computer at home
me (12:39:16 AM): That backwoods slut!
Christina (12:39:29 AM): that's what i said!
me (12:39:31 AM): I don't mean that, I just wanted to say it.
Christina (12:39:32 AM): to her face, and then she hit me
Obviously, no resolution came of this conversation. The search continues...but not by me.

I think my favorite part of late night TV is the infomercials. It's amazing how hard everyday tasks look when they are filmed in black and white. I'm watching a commercial now for some pasta-straining pot. I'm not sure, I don't make all that much pasta, but I've never had a miserable time getting the water out of the pot. It seems like you tip the pot on it's side and pour the contents of said pot into a strainer until no fluid is left. Simple. I think the problem with these infomercials is that they hire completely inept people to do the remedial tasks. People should not moan and wipe perspiration from their brow while removing a jar lid, buffing a scratch out of their side car door, or getting a grass stain out of their jeans. Is it just me, or do you think the actors are slightly fucked-up to begin with, too?

You know where I'll be on January 17th, sure enough. Also, you know that all sorts of chemicals will be running rampant through my bloodstream if this is true.

First off, happy 2003 to anyone reading this. I had to get that out of the way.
I had a pretty lame New Years (is it like that, or is there an apostrophe before the "s"?) Eve, but I wouldn't have wanted it any other way. I didn't really feel like going out at all, for the first time since I got to college, and I think that means I'm growing up or something, but most likely it means I'm a lazy-ass. However, the plus side to this all is that I got to watch the Insomniac marathon on Comedy Central. It was a night full of laughter, let me assure you. I learned many life's lessons, such as if you're drinking tequila, you're going to end up in a bathroom doing some drug off a midget's behind. I know that many people seem to see a resemblance between Dave Attell and me, both in appearance (??) and sense of humor. Well, I now officially welcome that as a compliment.