You might notice some changes with this site soon.

Like the fact that it won't be this site.

But rather, this one.

But I said soon, not right now.

Stop being so fucking impatient.

I'm going to try an experiment:

I'd like to talk to some actual people in Chicago right now doing improv, to know what it's like, get some advice, etc. So here I present to you, a plea for any of these people to come to my site and contact me, and also a cheap attempt to get more traffic from Google.

If you are in Chicago right now, and are taking, or have taken any of the following:

ImprovOlympic classes (IO Classes)
Playground classes
Second City classes
Annoyance Theater classes

or even if you're just in the Chicago area and want to chat with another person moving to Chicago...

or you're moving to Chicago and you'd like to be my neighbor...

and happen across my humble blog, leave me a comment and let me know how I can get in touch with you. It will help out another budding improviser.

I doubt this will work, but it's worth a shot. Kind of like putting an S.O.S. in a bottle and tossing it out into the vast ocean that is the Internet.

Please comment with any ideas how to make this:



look more like this:

I don't know who the motherfucker was who invented glitter, but I wonder if he or she knew how wretched a torment they had brought down upon society. Or maybe in it's early stages, it wasn't used as body decoration and didn't have the ability to stick to you regardless of how frequently you brush it off. Either way, I hate it.

I don't know why this stuff is in my head, of all heads, but I'm going to go with it:

Her: "I can't believe you said that."
Him: "What? Are you mad?"
Her: "I just said I couldn't believe it."

Someone turned in a book to the lost and found here which is called "The Word Book" which is, aptly, full of words. It's basically a book on how to spell the most common words in the English language. All 40,000 of them. I imagine the writers of this book just sat down with a dictionary and picked their 40,000 favorite words, because I see no common them throughout the book.

I'm no expert, but I don't believe the following words, included in this book, should be in any compilation of words ever, especially ones that include "most common" in their compilation topic. In fact, I'm not even sure these ARE real words, mainly because I'm too lazy to look them up, and this book offers no definitions. Anyway, here are a few of these words:
amaranth
bitumen
Caledonia (notice the capitalization...)
faience
Gramnegative (and Grampositive)
mestizo
paean
porphyrin
razzle-dazzle (this is really a word?)
suigeneris

I could go on all day listing words that I've never heard of. The point is, how desperate did these people become after, like, word 32,000? Because you're really grasping at straws to call any of the above words common. In fact, since I'm bored, I DID look up one word at random from the list, porphyrin, and got the following definition:
Any of various organic compounds containing four pyrrole rings, occurring universally in protoplasm, and functioning as a metal-binding cofactor in hemoglobin, chlorophyll, and certain enzymes.

So I guess I was wrong. These words are common after all. I just didn't know that all those times I was talking about my metal-binding cofactors, I was really talking of porphyris substances.

To balance it all out, the book does have words like "the" and "a" in it. I guess for those of us who have trouble spelling those words.

Stream of Conciousness Posting:

"How did you get here," she asked.
"I saw an arrow," he said, "and I followed it".
"How far did you follow it?" she asked.
"'Til it brought me here," he said.

My advice to people (and especially old men) everywhere: if your eyebrows look like mustaches, shave them off.

I'm sure that somewhere along the evolutionary line, the eybrow did something important like fend off tigers or allow us to draw angry people easier. However, we live in a different world now. Tigers live in cages. Angry people don't like to be drawn. The eybrow has been rendered obsolete.

Now, I'm not against eyebrows entirely. A normal, or even slightly bushy, set of eyebrows keeps your forehead from looking too big and eggheaded. But when they are the cause of your forehead disappearing entirely, they have got to go. Your face is not a cocoon, ditch the caterpillars. Or at least trim them, for God's sake.

Ladies, too little can be a problem, too. When you pluck them all and draw on new ones...that's just weird. There is no polite way to look away from those. You're making everyone around you uncomfortable. Just grow them back out, and we'll pretend like this little plucking thing never happened, cool?

Some might see this as a sign.

I want to post, but I don't have much to say. However, that's never really stopped me before. Today, I'll talk about random things.

What, exactly, makes those fish Swedish? The obvious answer is probably that the candy was invented in Sweden, but I don't buy that. I think that the Swedes are slowly taking over the world in their own passive-aggressive way. First, they'll take our candy (Swedish gobstoppers, Swedish sourpatch kids), then our businesses (Swedish Microsoft, Swedish Wal-Mart), and finally, they'll have slowly conquered the Western hemisphere.

Actually, they can have Wal-Mart. We don't need it.

If you're a pedophile, I bet being a pediatrician is like the best job you can have. You're getting paid to do what you love.

I think my shadow is way hotter than me. That bitch.

What's the deal with guys who still have handlebar mustaches? Unless you have a tattoo on your body that contains the words "Lynryd" and "Skynryd" right next to each other, you can't pull it off. They are ugly, and look more like horseshoes than handlebars. I guess horseshoe mustache doesn't sound so Southern-style badass.

I'm wearing a scarf indoors today. I think that means we're in for an Indian summer or that blood was shed tonight, or something. I'm not up to speed with my omen translations.

I like drinking coffee. For some reason, it makes me feel better about myself. Probably because I know, in my mind, that I'm not a coffee bean.

I own a rubber thimble. Don't ask me why. I just do.

That's all, folks.

I feel like making up some lists. Here we go:

Five Artists (and their CDs) Currently in Heavy Rotation in my CD Player
New Pornographers (Mass Romantic/The Electric Version)
The White Stripes (White Blood Cells/Elephant)
Sahara Hotnights (C'mon Let's Pretend/Jennie Bomb)
Fountains of Wayne (Utopia Parkway/Welcome Interstate Managers)
Guster (Keep It Together)

Five New Artists I Plan to Investigate
Hot Hot Heat
Ivy
Rilo Kiley
Zero 7
The Mooney Suzuki

Four Movies I've Seen in Theaters Recently and Really Liked
Kill Bill Volume 1
Lost in Translation
The Station Agent
Pirates of the Caribbean
(I haven't been to five)

Five Movies I Want to See
Intolerable Cruelty
Dirty Pretty Things
American Splendor
School of Rock
Kill Bill Volume 2 (in February, but I still really want to see it)

Five Books I've Read Recently (or Currently)
Douglas Adams - Dirk Gently's Holistic Detective Agency
J.D. Salinger - Franny and Zooey
F. Scott Fitzgerald - The Great Gatsby
Kurt Vonnegut - Slaughterhouse V
Terry Pratchett - The Light Fantastic

Five Books I Want to Read in the Near Future
Nick Hornby - High Fidelity
Al Franken - Lying Liars...etc.
Douglas Adams - The Long Dark Teatime of the Soul
Chuck Palahniuk - Lullaby
Ken Kesey - One Flew Over the Cuckoo's Nest

Five Foods I've Recently Tried for the First Time
crabs
fish (yes, I'd never had fish before)
peanut butter
cheesecake
walnuts

That's all I can think of right now. Maybe I'll update this with a few more lists as my day gets progressively more boring.

Happy birthday Krissy!

Here's the plan for the party. First, we're going to go to dinner with all your closest friends:


Then, we'll have tea and dessert:



After that, we'll go and ride the ponies:



I think by that time our food will be digested, so we can go to the gym and play in the foam pit:



We can take a break from the festivities then to open presents:



Grandpa will inevitably pull out his cello and play us a little Romanian folk music:



A clown will show up uninvited:



Which will lead to the clown's inevitable death at the hands of our security cavemen:



Another birthday will successfully end with rampant bloodshed:



Until a vague superhero shows up and makes us stop:



Happy birthday!

Funniest thing I've heard in a pretty long time:

building engineer (in thick Spanish accent), regarding evil boss' upcoming wedding:
"I don't think she's going to get any better just because she's got a dick, or a cock, or whatever"

Genius!

What the hell was up with Dennis the Menace? Let's break down just how many ways that this kid was a fuckup.

1.) the slingshot - Why did the creator of this strip think that simply carrying a slingshot around made you a menace? It's not like he ever shot anything. If he did, a la Bart Simpson, I would understand the nickname. As it was, he just kept that baby locked up. He just liked the sensation of cylindrical wood pressed up against his ass, I guess.

2.) the cow lick/dirt - There seems to be some kind of rumor passed around the comic strip industry that little boys like nothing better than to walk around dirty and dishevelled. Pigpen, Dennis, that stupid fucking Marvin kid, they all enjoy getting drawn with hatchmarks to represent facial dust. The only kids that seem to stay clean are the Family Circus kids, and I GUARANTEE they all grow up to be gay. Did you ever notice the way Billy used to check out Jeffy's package sometimes? And P.J. used to prance around with his mom's clothes. The only kid there who acted manly at all was Dotty. Anyway, I think the dishevelled/dirty thing is true for ALL kids, not just the badass little boys out there. No kid likes to bathe, because it's time out from playing. That doesn't make them menacing.

3.) those red overalls - Come on.

4.) the nickname - Really, ASIDES from the above-mentioned things, what did Dennis do that was so menacing? When I think "menace", I think South Central L.A. gang members who, you know, shoot people and rob places. At least, that's what I got from Menace II Society. All Dennis does is play with a frog and annoy his crotchety old neighbor. Don't most kids do that? I mean, just because Mr. Wilson was pissy doesn't mean that Dennis was worse than any other kid out there. It was just a matter of perspective.

Well, I think I've exhausted the reasons I personally hate Dennis the Menace, but I'm sure more of you out there have reasons. Let me know.

How does water go bad? I'm drinking a bottle of water right now, and there's an expiration date on it. Sure, it's like two and a half years in the future. What can possibly happen to the water that would cause it to expire, though? I mean, does it stagnate after two years? Does it turn into bad milk...or even worse, grape juice? I can't fathom opening up a bottle of water, taking a big gulp, and spitting all over the place, complaining about how awful it tastes. Water doesn't taste like anything in the first place. Does it go from tasting flavorless to tasting flavorful? Does it suddenly take on the qualities of beverages that are pleasant to drink? Will it go from being spring water to tap water? Will it become alcohol? Does water ferment? This expiration date opens up so many more questions that I want, nay I need, to be answered. Who can possibly help me in my quest to get to the truth behind bottled water?

"If the shoe fits, it's probably your size."

Ladies and gentlemen, you have just witnessed the lamest fortune from a fortune cookie EVER!

Do you guys and girls have any particular food products that you can't stand? What are they? Here's a partial list of mine (I have way more than most people, I can't remember them all right now):
- peanut butter (how do you people eat this monstrosity?)
- grape juice (it doesn't taste awful, but it's the foulest smelling juice ever)
- shrimp (I don't care what you say, any time I'm eating a food that looks like it did while alive, it's wrong)
- dark chocolate (a bitter mess)
- processed American cheese (it's, like, two ingredients away from it's plastic wrapper)
- zucchini/eggplant/mushrooms (these aren't bad when not cooked, but they get too mushy)
- cheesecake (seriously disgusting...cheese, even if it's sweet cheese, should not be dessert)
That's all I've got right now. I'm sure I'll come up with more.

UPDATES
- oatmeal (gruel with a fancy name)
- applesauce (apple-scented gruel with a not-so-fancy name)
- string cheese (bland and tasteless and smelly and don't even get me started on how stupid you look while eating penis-shaped cheese)

Tedious dream of the day:

Last night I dreamed that I had forgotten to plug in my cell phone the night before, and had to go all the next day without it. I know, for a fact, that this has happened to me more than once, and it wasn't that bad. Man, I'm lame.

"The safe and sterile times seemed to require sick jokes about death and suffering, and Tarantino offered a walk on the wild side. That era ended on September 11, 2001. "

I read this sentence in a review of Kill Bill Volume 1 which, for my money, is one of the coolest movies I've ever seen. I don't really feel like writing a review of the movie, but suffice it to say that it is utterly awesome, so long as you can enjoy style over substance. Not that the plot is poor (it's your basic revenge plot), but the way it is told is something I don't think I've ever seen before. I was seriously blown away. There is no point in the entire movie where your jaw isn't on the floor, and you're not saying "this is the most awesome thing I've ever seen". Okay, I guess I am going to write about the movie. So sue me.

Anyway, about that sentence. What the hell is that supposed to mean? All of the sudden, now that 9/11 has happened, we can't have black humor? That's bullshit. Just because there are some people out there who don't like to be made uncomfortable, don't go and ruin it for everyone else. I personally like it when a movie makes me feel something other than happy or sad. Every once in a while, I like a movie that makes me squirm because of touchy subject matter, or grimace because of realistic or excessive violence. It proves to me that there is more to moviemaking than just cheap emotion and laughter. If movies were just about going for what's easy, well, then, they would be TV. Luckily, movies don't have to deal with ratings and worrying about advertisers and all that crap, so they can get away with most of what they want, and I think most people would like to keep it that way.

I'm sorry that there are people out there who believe that 9/11 should have made us more aware of how real death can be. I don't happen to agree with that. Those same people who believe this tote bumper stickers with slogans like "Proud to live in the land of the free". All the movie studios are doing is exercising this freedom. Put up or shut up, SUV owner.

Have you ever used a bathroom right after someone has pooped? Well, okay, I'm sure that's happened to everyone, but I mean RIGHT after someone has gone. You know how it goes, you see them leave, and you walk in, and have to take a second to regain your composure because you can't imagine that that smell just came from that person. It's not so bad when it's someone you don't know, but it's not fun when it's a friend or co-worker. We (all the employees) all share one bathroom here at the synagogue. Personally, I don't use it for anything, opting for the larger bathroom upstairs with a little more privacy, but sometimes I see a co-worker walking out of there, and then I catch a whiff, and then I feel awkward around that person for the rest of the day, because I just caught them in what they thought was a secret little moment. I don't have a solution for this problem, because I don't advocate not pooping, that's just not healthy, and I don't advocate me not feeling awkward around people, because that's part of who I am. I guess this might just have to be one of those thing I have to live with for the rest of my life, just like my hatred for the noise that styrofoam makes and the smell of peanut butter.

Reading over that post, I can't imagine anyone wanting to know any of this. Why did I write it, then? That's for you, the reader, to figure out.

Does anyone have a reasonable explanation why there are state welcome centers in the middle of the state? I don't know why I never noticed this before, but on the way to JMU there are at least two welcome centers for the state of Virginia. If you are on either of the roads going to JMU from my house (66 and 81), you are already well entrenched within our miserable state. You've probably passed up on quite a few welcome centers already. Why, then, would anyone want to stop at one forty-five minutes within state boundaries? I mean, asides from the repulsive bathroom that smells like just enough lemon air freshener to cover the fact that it hasn't been cleaned in eighteen months, or the vending machines that six times out of seven steal your money or else dispense only half a cup of scalding hot shitty coffee. It's not the brochures, I'm sure, because if you're a visitor, you probably picked them up at your first welcome center on the trip, and if you're a resident, you've used those Luray Caverns brochures for at least one papier-mâché homework assignment in your elementary school days.

Another thing I've always wondered about are those stupid Calvin stickers that rednecks inevitably have on the back window of their pickup trucks. You know the ones. Calvin is doing some variety of the following: pissing on a logo of another kind of car, having sex with a beautiful woman who is at least eighteen years his senior, or waving his middle finger which, if the rules of proportion are to be believed, is at least as big as his abdomen. I'm a huge Calvin and Hobbes fan. It's probably my favorite cartoon strip of all time, and I can honestly say that Calvin would never do any of the above things. He can't drive, so why would he care about car makes or models. He's a member of G.R.O.S.S. (Get Rid of Slimy Girls, for those of you who can't remember), so he's obviously not into the fairer sex yet, and in many comic strips, he's shown with normal sized hands, no abnormalities at all. So where did these stickers come from? Is it just the rednecks of the world forcing their passions of urination and sexual behavior and profanity upon the rest of the world? Is it Calvin's evil twin? I don't have the answers, and I imagine neither does anyone else, but hey, that shouldn't stop you from brainstorming up a few fake ones.

I've noticed that I spend a lot more time on the internet than most people. I tend to comment back to most comments I receive within, oh, say, seven minutes. Anyway, I just wanted to see how fast it takes most of you to comment to me. After this post goes up, comment. At least once, more times if you have anything really important to say. I just want to see how often you guys check my site.

< / shameless post>

This weekend is homecoming at JMU. It's a horrible coincidence, then, that I am going back to JMU that weekend. I've always vowed not to return to any homecoming ever, but it's tough to stay away when so many people I want to see are going back. My goal for the weekend is, however, to not attend a single JMU sponsored event. I didn't do them while I was a student, why would I go as an alumni? Anyway, if you're going to be in town this weekend, let me know. We can, you know, get together or something. Maybe get a Blizzard. Or just a coke.

Lately, my dreams have taken a turn for the mundane. I wish I could say last night's dream, which involved going to the store and buying a video game, was an isolated bit of tedium, but alas, I cannot. Just last week, I had a dream where I went with friends to a thrift store. I didn't buy anything...at least that would be SOMETHING. No, we went into a thrift store and browsed. I even remember that, in my dream, my hands had that funny thrift store smell on them afterwards. Far be it for me to dream that all the clothes in the thrift store smelled like peaches or some other pleasantry. And before that, I had a dream where I returned to Mr. J's to buy a bagel, and my ex-boss told me that anytime I was back in the area, I could pick up some shifts. That's it. Any one of these dreams is so dull that it may have actually happened. I miss my childhood when I would dream of ghosts and dragons and winning lots of money and stuff like that. What has my life become that my dreams are now just a continuation of what I do during the day?
I'll tell you what. A robot. A cold, heartless robot.

There's a lot of people who think that what happened to Roy, one half of the illustrious gay duo Siegfried and Roy, was a tragedy. Come on. If you are a wild animal that was dragged out of the wild and forced to jump through hoops on stage by two nancy boys in Liberaci suits so that a casino can make WAY more money, would you be happy? I can't believe more necks have not been chomped in the however many years those two have been playing with wild animals on stage. They are the ones who chose their dumb fucking profession. It's not like it was a surprise...more like an inevitability. I can't help but feel pity for the tiger, who will probably be killed by a member of Siegfried and Roy's effeminate mafia for giving in to it's basic instincts of eating things that are smaller than it.

I am a feet of fancy.

I heard this this morning on the radio, and thought it was an interesting idea: if you could choose to live within any movie, what would it be? I don't want to set any limits on your creativity here; you don't have to pick a specific character within the movie.

I thought about this, and I'm still struggling for an answer. I think my movie would probably be Wet Hot American Summer (duh). That camp just looks like a lot of fun.



Loyal readers?

Twice over the past two days, I have driven past someone with one of those fake tiger tails hanging out of their trunk. It's like the fake arm or leg you can buy at most stupid gag shops and put under any heavy item, but a tiger's tail.

What's up with this?

Who are the people who see this product in the stores, and think to themselves how lacking in novelties their car is? Are we to believe that there is some type of small tiger trapped in the trunk of your car? If that's the case, then the two options are that you have a live tiger in your trunk, in which case you are a moron, or a dead tiger in your trunk, in which case you are a smuggler and a poacher. Either way, we're led to believe that you are a dumb bastard.

I mean, seriously, someone has to think this product is really funny, or they'd stop making it. I'm embarrassed for the level of stupidity that courses through the veins of our country. Inventing stupid things like this and the hats with embedded clocks and the fake ice cubes with flies in them make the people of this country seem like the drunk uncles of the global community, who go around pulling pennies out of the younger countries' ears and generally smelling like bourbon.