I'm Outta Heeeeeeere

Operation "Steal All of Dan's Nice Things and Replace Them with Less Nice Things" was a complete and utter success. Now it's time to go home before he notices.

In a Haze

So I'm at Dan's house right now, and he has two cats. They are cute, so I want to play with them. However, I'm also horribly allergic to cats. What's the answer?

MEDICATION!

I'm in some kind of anti-histamine-induced hallucinogenic haze right now that I've been in ever since I got here yesterday. It's pretty cool because not only can I touch the cats, but also I can pick through their fur and find the armies of minute intelligent silverback gorillas that are training for the galactic olympics on each of them.

Off to NJ

I'm heading up to NJ for a couple of days to visit Dan and Jossalyn. If you also live in NJ and want to be visited, let me know.

Overheard in a Dressing Room

So I'm shopping for pants for my boss' wedding last night, and I go into the fitting room to try a pair on. As I enter my stall, I hear a loud, scratching noise coming from next door, but I think nothing of it. All of the sudden:

(mumble mumble)

I perk up my ears. I don't know why, but I feel like the guy in the next stall is talking to me. And then, again:

(mumble mumble damn it mumble mumble)

I realize it's probably not for me, but I'm nosy, and in a dressing room with a man who is obviously crazy, so I keep listening.

(mumble mumble I can't believe that bitch mumble mumble scratch scratch)

Oh, so there's a GIRL in his life. Interesting. Let's keep listening.

(mumble damn it I think this is herpes mumble mumble scratch)

WHAT?!

(mumble mumble there are bumps all over my dick mumble scratch)

JESUS CHRIST?! IS THIS FOR REAL?!

(mumble mumble it burns like a bitch mumble fuck mumble scratch)

I'm out of here.

I take my pants and I leave. I sort of hang around the entrance of the fitting room to find the mysterious human parasite. Much to my surprise, a 15-year-old kid walks out, closing his cell phone.

Eww. This would be much funnier and less gross if it was fake.

I'm going to my boss' wedding today. The boss that I hate. You better believe I'm getting stinking drunk at the champagne bar. Unemployment, here I come!

Tonight

I went to a bar called Bilbo Baggins in Old(e?) Town(e?) tonight with Jena Persico, my good buddy from JMU. It was fun. The beer was actually really sweet, which I'd never tried, but was very good. We tried to walk around on the waterfront, but it was cold as a bitch out. But we did it anyway. We're rebels.

I didn't say this post would be all that interesting. But you probably read it anyway.

A Day in My Work Life

I don't have anything to do today here at work, but they insist I stay until 3 anyway. I'll show them! I'm going to post all day! Here's what I do on a day full of boredom:

9:04-9:13 AM - I typically arrive within this time. I'm absolutely never on time unless...no unless, actually. I'm just never on time. Today, it was 9:04, because the traffic was light.

Remaining time until 9:15 was spent walking around, lest I look like I am anxious to be at work.

9:15 - I turned on the computer and prepared for the day. On most days, seeing as how I have little to no work to do, this entails signing on to IM, checking my e-mail, and perusing my friends' websites.

(I'll keep this updated throughout the day)

9:19 - All checked. No long-term entertainment there. Must seek help elsewhere. I'm going to check out Best Buy and see what's on sale this week.

9:26 - Best Buy has really outdone themselves with this little gem of a picture from their homepage:


9:37 - No good sales. That was a good ten minutes. I'm not sure what to do now. I'll try humming.

9:42 - Humming is not an entertaining way to spend a day.

9:43 - Origami may be entertaining. I'm looking it up now. Maybe I'll become a paper folding master today.

9:47 - My search for illustrated origami lessons was interrupted by this hilarious German comic strip:


9:57 - Apparently, there are some spare digital cameras lying around the office. This may soon become a day full of boredom pictures.

10:09 - Camera software installation is complete. Not only will I TAKE pictures, I can upload and play with them, too. Everything is coming up Milhouse!

10:32 - That restart took WAY longer than it should have. Something is amiss.

10:33 - Nothing is amiss, you can stop worrying now. Sorry about that.

10:57 - This is proving to be more time consuming than I originally planned.

11:12 - I wonder why M+Ms hold to their blatant lie that they don't melt in your hands. I've got a palmful of rainbow that will attest otherwise.

11:25 - I'm cooking up some pictures of my office. Start holding your breath...now!

11:35 - Okay, stop holding your breath now. I mean, if you were. Here are those pictures:

My desk. Quite a lovely one indeed.


My boss' desk. Notice the proximity to mine (those folders and whatnot are on the back of my desk).


Janis (on the left) and Barbara. Two of the assistant principals. No problems with these two.


What the back part of the office would look like if it suddenly was stuck in a whirlpool.


Me, trying to look productive. It doesn't work.


Again with the fake productivity, but now it's old timey!


A koosh ball I found out in the street after religious school one day. No one has claimed it, so I sort of made it my desk "fun thing". It amuses me to no end when parents bring their misbehaved brats in here and let them suck on that toy.


That same koosh ball on fire and taking over downtown Tokyo.

11:50 - The code for those pictures is a mess. I'm glad you guys just see the final product.

11:51 - Nothing to do again. Suggestions would be welcome.

11:54 - I have come to the realization that today was a bad day to post all day since just about no one is bored and browsing websites on the day after X-Mas but me.

12:07 - I just made a flier. That was my only task for the day and now it is done. I feel so empty.

12:10 - I had originally planned on skipping out around noon and doing some post Christmas shopping, but it seems that my boss is coming in at some point today, and I sort of need to be here for that. I hate that she comes in on her days off. Seriously, get a life.

On a side note, I can't believe I've only been here for three hours. Damn it.

12:28 - I just wrote a post for a day in the past. First one to find it gets a cookie. A real tasty one.

12:33 - Ugh. Ate too many M+Ms. I don't know what's going to happen to me. I hope it doesn't involve explosion.

12:38 - Possible Reality Shows:
- two people are locked in a room and must play paper, rock, scissors until one goes absolutely apeshit
- a roomful of people are fed spicy Mexican food; last one to stay in the room wins
- extreme ugly makeovers - people are made into trolls

That's all I've got right now.

12:55 - Damn it! For the second day in a row, I was putting on my coat to skip out to Best Buy in the middle of the day, and my boss came in right as I was leaving. I hate that.

1:01 - I'm in the process of making MS Outlook my bitch. I don't know why, just because I can.

1:11 - Bitchifyed!

1:15 - Today is Friday. I get to go home at 3 on Fridays. That makes me happy. So do puppies and gumdrops.



1:35 - Wow, I can't believe it's been twenty minutes since I updated last. Unfortunately, nothing exciting has happened in there. Sorry.

1:51 - We've had visitors. Well, not me really. But Barbara's (see above picture) husband and daughter came in, and livened up the office a bit. Huzzah!

2:06 - I was planning on leaving by 2 today. Unfortunately, my boss is in her office. Again, look at the above pictures and realize just how close that puts her to me, and you get an idea of why I can't go.

2:18 - Caitie's stepdad Rick sent her this picture:

This is her ultimate fantasy. At least I could publish it for the world to see.

2:30 - My boss is finally leaving. That means, most likely, so am I.

2:39 - I'm packing it up and packing it in. Thanks to all two of you who probably read this all day.

Happy Holidays!

Happy holidays, to everyone. Not Christmas, though. St. Patrick's Day, Fourth of July, and Memorial Day. I don't feel like wishing any of you happy holidays when those three occur, so I'll get it over with now.

Truth in E-Mail Form

I received this e-mail today from one Daniel Shepherd (who I've never met):

your site is the only 1 in the universe with the words flibbity, bomb, and case.
boring but true

I checked. He's right. Anyone else smell a slogan?

Shoulda Said: Now with more Flibbity Bomb Cases!
Shoulda Said: Bringing you Flibbity Bomb Cases since 2002!
Shoulda Said: Your One Stop Internet Shop for Flibbitys, Bombs, AND Cases!

Nope. I don't like the sound of those. But it's still an interesting fact.

Also, I've decided that I officially hate everyone who has "Princess" in any way, shape, or form attached to their car. Be it a bumper sticker, a license plate, or a license plate holder, it's completely unneccessary, and you're probably a bitch.

Truth in E-Mail Form

I received this e-mail today from one Daniel Shepherd (who I've never met):

your site is the only 1 in the universe with the words flibbity, bomb, and case.
boring but true

I checked. He's right. Anyone else smell a slogan?

Shoulda Said: Now with more Flibbity Bomb Cases!
Shoulda Said: Bringing you Flibbity Bomb Cases since 2002!
Shoulda Said: Your One Stop Internet Shop for Flibbitys, Bombs, AND Cases!

Nope. I don't like the sound of those. But it's still an interesting fact.

Also, I've decided that I officially hate everyone who has "Princess" in any way, shape, or form attached to their car. Be it a bumper sticker, a license plate, or a license plate holder, it's completely unneccessary, and you're probably a bitch.

Winter Blockbusters

Time for a new round of crappy potential sequels!

Dad Santa
There's a new man in young Billy's mom's life, and he smells like reindeer.

Dove Actually
You might think it's Hersheys, but no...

Dr. Seuss' The Cat in the Fat
That crazy cat pops up in a new unexpected location: inside a liposuction facility!

Goshika
Goofy the dog gets sent to an insane asylum erroneously.

The Lust Samurai
An ex-Civil War general goes to feudal Japan to be taught Asian love secrets.

Mona Lisa Smite
Mona gets divine power and goes to town!

Paychuck
Seriously, Mr. Norris has been out of work for a long time. Can't someone cut him a break?

Return of the Kong
A giant monkey threatens Middle Earth.

Stack on You
Siamese twins walk around putting pancakes on each other's heads. Hijinx ensue.

And for those who missed the originals, here they are again, just in time for video!

Alex and Erma
Alex is a writer who owes money to the mob, and the only way to make the money is to transcribe a book from start to finish in a week. Unfortunately, all the hot transcribers are out to lunch when he goes into the office and he is stuck with Erma, a 72-year-old grandmother.

Binding Nemo
The lovable young clownfish in an ad for Immodium A-D.

Bruce Alrighty
Jim Carrey plays dual roles as both God and Ace Ventura investigating whether or not God stole a rare breed of marmoset.

From Dustin to Kelly
The musical love story between Kelly Clarkson and Dustin Hoffman. It has to do better than the original.

Mend It Like Beckham
After he tragically breaks his leg in a motorcycle dealership accident, David Beckham gives up soccer for a career as a tailor. This movie follows the trials and tribulations of a young Indian girl who wants to follow in her idol's footsteps and become a master seamstress.

Pilates of the Caribbean
A rough-and-tumble tale of the early days of yoga.

Rugrats go Mild
The Rugrats are sick of being forced to eat medium salsa by their strict authoritarian parents. This is the story of their triumph over adversity as they become independent youths and eat whatever spice level they desire.

Sinbad: Legend of the Seven Skas
Sinbad takes a historical journey through the seven incarcerations of ska music throughout the years, from it's humble beginnings in Jamaica to its newest forms as a punk hybrid.

The Sulk
An artsy story about a young Bruce Banner who turns green whenever he experiences feelings of angst. There's a deeper meaning in here somewhere, but you probably wouldn't understand it.

Come witness the birth!

Seen on a church sign near my house:

"Jesus is born, this Thursday"

Is it just me, or does that sound like a Discovery Channel special?

Worldly Steve

All of the sudden, I was struck with the urge to learn a foreign language. Can anybody recommend one that I can pick up quick? Like, in a day or two?

Chiropractic Insanity

I went to the chiropractor the other day, and he attached electric pads to my back and left me alone in the room for fifteen minutes, sending electricity through my back. I'm going back today, and he said we were going to do "deep tissue work". I don't know whether to be relieved that my back will feel better, or scared as Hell that I may be seeing a mass murderer.

I'm lovin' it

I just had McDonald's breakfast. Seriously, if the manna that God sent to the Israelites to survive in the desert for forty years was updated for the 21st century and, you know, real, it would TOTALLY take the form of a bacon, egg, and cheese McGriddle. I know that this wouldn't really keep with that whole "kosher" thing he/she/it had talked about, but I think he'd/she'd/it'd soon realize the error of his/her/it's ways and come around. If not, we could drag him/her/it out of his/her/it's little cloud palace and force feed it bacon-y goodness until minds are changed. Anyone want to help me forcefeed unkosher food to God, let me know.

A Day Full of Non-Awesome

I love it when a good day is followed up by an even better one spent doing work that stimulates the brain. It gives you a warm and fuzzy feeling inside.

Steve's Key to this Entry:
love = hate
an even better = a much more lameass
work = bullshit
that stimulates the brain = that wouldn't challenge a retarded orangutan
It gives you = Jesus
a warm and fuzzy = Christ
feeling inside = I can't stand my job

A Day Full of Awesome

Man. I need more days like today. Return of the King, as promised, kicked more ass than a room full of ninjas. And not just your average ninjas, but ninjas with Nerf guns. Carbon Leaf was also awesome, both nights. I'm sure Doug will put up the set list on his site, so I won't, but suffice it to say, it was indeed enjoyable. I hope everyone else's day was at least half as good as mine, because the world would be full of happy people right now.

The All-Powerful Entrance Granter

So one of my main responsibilities here at work (and it's sad that this is one of the main ones) is letting people into the building. There's a magnetic lock that prohibits anyone from getting in unless we buzz them. This makes you feel a whole lot more important than you really are, even though we buzz in just about everyone without asking any questions. In reality, I could let in a person with a bomb due to my lack of attention, but I doubt that will happen the same way I doubt the fact that my inattention will lead to me letting in the Candy Fairy who delivers magical treats to all the children of the world.
One of the more entertaining points of my day is watching people try to get in the building, though. The magnetic lock is only on one door, and there are four doors total, so it's like a game of Whack-A-Mole every time someone comes to the door. We buzz, they pull the wrong door, we point to the right door, they pull a different wrong one, we let go of the buzzer, they pull the right door which doesn't open, we point at that door again and hold the buzzer, they pull on the other wrong door, we buzz in rhythm, they give us a dirty look, we eventually go and open the door for them. It's a fun little game, one that I'm sure you'll all jealous of not being able to play.

More Reasons I'm a Dork

One of my favorite sites to kill some time at is Apple's movie trailer site. It has the good, the bad, AND the ugly, all on one site.

My Life is a Sham

I didn't really post on this day, but it bothered me that I had a blank day on my calendar. I'm a nerd. Here's a picture:

Worst Feeling

I think the worst feeling in the world (please excuse my use of hyperbole) is realizing you were supposed to do something after the fact. You know, when there's nothing you can really do about it. That sucks.

I forgot to do something at work. It's nothing that can't be done on Monday, but the point is, for a brief second, I felt that sharp fear that comes with forgetting something, and it was very unpleasant.

I bet no one reads this anymore. My other site is more interesting anyway.

The Golden Rule

Hey America, what ever happened to treating others the way you'd like to be treated? I remember getting that hammered into my head at a young age, and for very good reason: it's fucking dead on. You can't be a total asshole to someone and expect them to love you from the deepest part of their being. I've really noticed this a lot lately, during this season which should be all about caring and giving and other -ing verbs that have happy connotations. A few examples:
- our neighbor made our cleaning lady move her car to the end of our street while she was loading up her supplies because they were in his extra parking spot, even though he only has one car
- my sister snapped, for no apparent reason, and yelled at a clerk at K-Mart because the credit card scanner didn't say credit, just debit
- I was honked at and flipped off by someone just so they could speed up to a red light and glare at me
- my boss belittled a custodian in front of a large group of parents to the point where the custodian does not want to work on the day of her impending wedding
- pretty much everything the Republican party does

I don't believe in karma, but if that's the way things really are, there are a lot of people in this country who are going to have a rough time in the afterlife.

Basement Question

Why are basements always so cold? I don't want an explanation that invovles all that flibbity-flobbity regarding "hot air rising" and "cold air falling". I want someone to explain this to me directly and in a way that I, a common layman, will understand.

DVD Obsession

I have officially now filled up one full four-shelved DVD rack. Hurrah!

Update: 101 DVDs, to be exact. Go ahead and call me a nerd, but I know you're just jealous.

Call me Colymbo

I wish more articles contained the following:

The five millimetre long crustacean, discovered by UK and US researchers, has been named Colymbosathon ecplecticos - derived from the Greek for "astounding swimmer with a large penis".

And this one:

The method revealed long extremities probably used for swimming, a pair of compound eyes, as well as the creature's big phallus.

Or this:

The creature possesses a hard shell, an organ for grabbing prey, six gills, as well as a "copulatory organ [that] is large and stout", says the team.

Fortunately, this one does.

Winter Crapfest

I love snow. However, this nonsense that is pouring from the skies right now is the bastard illegitimate mutant lovechild of the white powder I hold so dearly. This is miserable, wet, get-in-your-eyes slush, and I want to take a blowtorch to all the little 1-3 inch tall accumulated piles of it outside. Snow is intended to be a solid. I think someone needs to pass that memo on to the guy who controls the weather (I think his name is Carl).

Chinese Food Thursdays

Thursdays here are the best, because we order out. Most weeks, it's for Chinese, but we've been known to get Thai or Italian, or even sushi in some rare cases (my new personal favorite). Anyway, here are my top five favorite Chinese food dishes. I typically get the same things, so if there's something good out there that I'm missing, let me know.
1.) hot and sour soup (the best thing to come from China, ever)
2.) beef/chicken lo mein
3.) General Tso's chicken (from personal experience: if you ever go to an organic restaurant and order "General Tso's Surprise", the surprise is that there's no chicken in there)
4.) Szechuan beef/chicken
5.) firecracker beef/chicken

Al Franken

I'm reading Al Franken's book Lies and the Lying Liars Who Tell Them right now. I highly recommend it to anyone with a soul and a sense of humor (in other words, anyone who voted for Bush should try elsewhere).

Yarrgh!

Pirates of the Caribbean comes out on DVD today. That means I can FINALLY live out my dream of watching that movie in a sofa-cushion fort shaped like a boat while wearing a newspaper pirate hat. I can't WAIT!

Also, whoa!

Crazy Republicans

DIRECTLY ripped from Counterspin Central, where it was directly ripped from somewhere else. Whoever wrote this, don't sue me, I just thought it was funny.

Things you have to believe to be a Republican these days:

Being a drug addict is a moral failing and a crime, unless you’re a conservative radio host. Then it’s an illness and you need our prayers for your recovery.

The United States should get out of the United Nations, and our highest national priority is enforcing U.N. resolutions against Iraq.

Government should relax regulation of Big Business and Big Money but crack down on individuals who use marijuana to relieve the pain of illness.

“Standing Tall for America” means firing your workers and moving their jobs to India.

A woman can’t be trusted with decisions about her own body, but multi-national corporations can make decisions affecting all mankind without regulation.

Jesus loves you, and shares your hatred of homosexuals and Hillary Clinton.

The best way to improve military morale is to praise the troops in speeches while slashing veterans’ benefits and combat pay.

Group sex and drug use are degenerate sins unless you someday run for governor of California as a Republican.

If condoms are kept out of schools, adolescents won’t have sex.

A good way to fight terrorism is to belittle our long-time allies, then demand their cooperation and money.

HMOs and insurance companies have the interest of the public at heart.

Providing health care to all Iraqis is sound policy. Providing health care to all Americans is socialism.

Global warming and tobacco’s link to cancer are junk science, but creationism should be taught in schools.

Saddam was a good guy when Reagan armed him, a bad guy when Bush’s daddy made war on him, a good guy when Cheney did business with him and a bad guy when Bush needed a “we can’t find Bin Laden” diversion.

A president lying about an extramarital affair is an impeachable offense. A president lying to enlist support for a war in which thousands die is solid defense policy.

Government should limit itself to the powers named in the Constitution, which include banning gay marriages and censoring the Internet.

The public has a right to know about Hillary’s cattle trades, but George Bush’s driving record is none of our business.

You support states’ rights, which means Attorney General John Ashcroft can tell states what local voter initiatives they have a right to adopt.

What Bill Clinton did in the 1960s is of vital national interest, but what Bush did in the ’80s is irrelevant.

Trade with Cuba is wrong because the country is communist, but trade with China and Vietnam is vital to a spirit of international harmony.

Wacky Misadventures Ahoy!

In compliance with Dan's request, I had a wacky misadventure. Here is how it went down:

I walked out the front door, and was snagged in the tail feathers of a low-flying condor. There is a family of condors that nests on the ledge of the synagogue, waiting for nursery school children and unexpecting Bar Mitzvah families to wander by. The condors are attracted to the yarmulkes, and swoop down for an easy meal for their young. Anyway, I was carrying my lucky saddle, and used it to ride the condor around downtown DC. Unfortunately, I flew too close to the White House, and was shot down in accordance to the new Patriot Act guidelines, which state that any living thing too close to the range of Bush's vision can be shot on sight. I managed to escape the raging Texan and escape into the dense brush surrounding Pennsylvania Avenue. I hitchhiked back to Virginia with a friendly school bus driver named Mitch who smelled like cold cut sandwiches and cheap whiskey. On the way, Mitch told me how he was a veteran of the War of 1812, and had been living in a state of cryogenic bliss for 187 years until someone tripped on the plug and caused him to thaw. Having no skills, per se, and being completely illiterate, and also suffering from a bad case of yellow fever, the only job he was qualified for was in mass transportation. This was all very boring, so I got off at the next available location, which happened to be here. I walked back in, a little scratched up but really no worse for the wear, and wrote about it for you.

It's a good thing Dan asked me to post about a wacky misadventure, or else I would have had no outlet with which to tell this rather crazy story.

Sigh

Another perfectly good extended weekend totally squandered by yours truly. I wish I had done anything worth note these past few days that I could write about here, but alas, I haven't even come close. Here's to a more eventful week ahead.