Zoobilee Zoo

Jena, Kenan, Michael, and I went to the zoo today. Suffice it to say, the zoo is a lot more fun when the animals are actually out. However, when the animals are all hibernating, or resting, or dead from some weird strain of zoo disease, it gives you a good chance to notice how shoddy the zoo is.
National Zoo is already pretty lame, so far as the amount of room the animals get, and how kept up the zoo is, but I never realized just how cheap they were until today. Given, the zoo is supported with tax dollars, so it's kind of understandable, but it's completely littered with stagnant pools of water. At every one of these pools, they have put up a sign that says "dragonfly pond", like they intentionally grew a stagnant pond of water in the middle of the zoo to attract more animals. I don't see a banana tree field to attract more monkeys, or a movie studio with Jerry O'Connell to attract more kangaroos. They also had a sign next to a big patch of overgrown grass and weeds saying how they were helping the environment by not mowing the lawn, as the lawnmower gives off both air and noise pollution. Listen, zoo authorities, I might not be the sharpest needle in the sewing kit, but I'm not THAT gullible. Just tell us, flat out, that you can't afford to hire gardeners because that would cost us more tax money, and I'll respect you for your honesty.
It was weak. If you're going to go to the National Zoo (and I highly recommend taking the three-hour detour and visiting the Philly Zoo instead, or the seven hour flight detour out to San Diego to see theirs), go in the summer. While it still sucks, the animals are actually out of their dens, and it's always nice to see animals at the zoo. Also, you can support the zoo by buying a $2.75 bottle of water.

Haircuts

I've weighed in on haircuts before, but after today's, I have a few more things I'd like to add to the list of things not to do while giving me a haircut:
- If you know, for a fact, that your mastery of the English language is strained at best, skip the small talk and try your damnedest to expediate the hair cutting process, to get us both out of an awkward situation as soon as possible.
- Do not look at my hair, and say "your hair is long, like a girls." That's not going to make me want to come back for repeat visits. It's going to make me want to start peeing while sitting down. As a general rule of thumb, stick with self-esteem boosters.
- Do not say "uh oh" and laugh mischieviously. That's not a funny joke. A funny joke is "A skeleteon walks into a bar and asks for a beer and a mop." Your joke is what we call "not a joke."
- Along the same lines, do not cut my hair, look at my head, and say "hmmm" with a perpexed look on your face. My head is not tapestried with algebraic formulas, do not treat it that way.
- Upon completion, do not look at my head, look at me, and say "Yeah, you can live with that." That's not a vote of confidence. I can live with no arms, but that doesn't make it desirable.
- Do not inquire into my sex life. Above all, do not fill me in on YOUR sex life, especially the part about the hooker laughing at you.

Steve and Amazon, Sittin' in a Tree...

Amazon and I need to have a talk. It's not that we don't get along; on the contrary, I believe that we tend to get along too well. I can't browse that site without spending a king's (well, a king of a small poor nation, at least) ransom. I lose all personal restraint when it comes to entertainment shopping, and having the convenience to do it from my computer, where I spend approximately 112% of my time, makes it all the more difficult. Just last month, I blew my cash wad buying The Ben Stiller Show and The Complete Tenacious D Masterworks, and two weeks ago I managed to drag my sorry ass AWAY from the computer, all the way to Best Buy, where I bought The Critic and Curb Your Enthusiasm box sets. Last night, I went on another Amazon binge, buying quite a few David Sedaris products, solely on the recommendation of a certain friend of mine who shall remain nameless, as well as the first season of The Office, which I've never seen, but comes highly praised.
And now, for the sad but true portion of my entry. Some people get drunk and start fights. Some people get drunk and e-mail their ex-boyfriends and girlfriends embarrassing things. Some people get drunk and order Mystery Science Theater DVD Sets. I'm addicted. Someone needs to stage an intervention. Any takers?

Updates

Here are two quick updates on things I have posted about lately:
- Elizabeth and I kickboxed again last night. I don't think my groin muscles are willing to forgive me as easily this time.
- I received another e-mail from the elderly teacher. This one was a joke about how computer viruses reproduce, including graphics. Let's just say I never, ever want to see computer-animated bugs 69-ing each other ever again. Ever.

Also, this picture is all over the liberal blogs today, and it cracked me up, so I figured I'd share:

The WORST!

I absolutely hate it when I fall in love with a new band, and no one else seems to like them. The band of the week this week is The Sounds, but don't bother checking them out, as you'll probably hate them. Another band that has been included on this list so far in the past year has been Sahara Hotnights, who I love, but everyone else seems to dislike. I don't know why, but I feel like my friends need to like my music to justify my liking it, but that's got to stop.

Not Safe for Office Consumption

I just received an e-mail from one of the lovely elderly Israeli women who teaches here, a grandmother who wears lilac perfume and goes regularly to "Get her hair done". Enclosed within this e-mail was a link to a Flash animation entitled "Touch Janet Jackson's Ta-Ta's". As enticing as this offer was, I had to pass, seeing as it probably wasn't office friendly. This does, however, raise an interesting question into the secret lives of the elderly, one which I refuse to probe out of a fear of retching.

What the FUCK?!

24 is off the air until March 30th. That's a fucking MONTH! What the hell are they thinking?! I would totally boycott it if I didn't love it so much.

Cardio Kickboxing

So Elizabeth and I started a cardio kickboxing class last night that meets three days a week, and all I can say is that if THIS can't get me into shape, I may as well give up now and buy a muu-muu. That class TOTALLY kicked my ass. I am sore in places I didn't know I could be sore (the bottom of my left foot? my right elbow...why not?!). We joined for a month, so we'll see how firm a grasp I can get on my love handles by then. That'll be the real test of these classes. Right now, I can get a fistful. I'm shooting for a pinch. Wish me luck!

Dear You-Know-Who

To whoever it was who found my site by searching for "extramarital affairs with a chiropractor"...did you find everything you were looking for?

Care Packages

I really enjoy throwing stuff together in an envelope and sending it off to my friends. It's a hobby, I guess. Nothing beats what I assume is the surprised look on someone's face when they receive a package with a flamingo mask or a popsicle stick with googly eyes glued onto it or a pack of cards decorated with crudely animated barnyard creatures and titled "Snap!". My life is full of simple pleasures.

Surprise!

Evidently, I registered for the next round of classes at Washington Improv Theater and evidently, they started tonight. I found out about this fact around fifteen minutes into the class. Anyway, I made it there about forty-five minutes late, and all was well. It's a "beginning longform" class, which excites me to no end, as I absolutely love longform improv and can't wait to get to do it again. The class only consists of four of us, so that means I get to spend plenty of time actually performing, and less time watching, which, while it does have its merits, is less fun. At the end of the class, we get to put on a show for anyone interested in attended. I'll post more details as I find out more, but I hope at least some of you can make it. Anyway, it should be a lot of fun, and I'm really looking forward to it.

I Want to Play!

I want to join in the trend! Here's the list of the first twenty songs to play on my iTunes player, in order:

1.) Ryan Adams - Note to Self: Don't Die
2.) Mike Errico - Tonight
3.) Goldfinger - Superman
4.) Jamiroquai - Alright
5.) Ben Folds - There's Always Someone Cooler than You
6.) Kenna - Hell Bent
7.) Black Lab - Wash It Away
8.) Lightning Seeds - Change
9.) Zero 7 - Out of Town
10.) Something Corporate - As You Sleep
11.) Hot Hot Heat - No, Not Now
12.) Ben Kweller - Falling
13.) Barenaked Ladies - Never is Enough
14.) Apples in Stereo - Silvery Light of a Dream
15.) Black Rebel Motorcycle Club - And I'm Aching
16.) Fiona Apple - Sullen Girl
17.) Shivaree - Bossa Nova
18.) The Strokes - Soma
19.) The Dandy Warhols - Plan A
20.) Empire Records Soundtrack - Sugar High

Not bad, but I was hoping more cool stuff that no one has ever heard of would pop up. This doesn't make me sound like an indie rocker at all!

UPDATE:

I did a second one, because I was bored, and I wanted to prove to the world that I have good musical taste. Also, I'm a geek. Here's list #2:

1.) The Decemberists - The Bachelor and the Bride
2.) The New Pornographers - From Blown Speakers
3.) Carbon Leaf - Nowadays
4.) Stereophonics - Climbing the Wall
5.) Reel Big Fish - I Want Your Girlfriend to Be My Girlfriend
6.) Sahara Hotnights - Kicks
7.) Owsley - I'm Alright
8.) Freddy Jones Band - Burning By
9.) Guster - Fall in Two
10.) Detroit Cobras - Midnight Blues
11.) Fountains of Wayne - Red Dragon Tattoo
12.) Ben Folds - Rock Star
13.) Guster - Rocketship
14.) Rilo Kiley - Science vs. Romance
15.) Counting Crows - Angels of the Silences
16.) The Walkmen - We've Been Had
17.) Black Box Recorder - Straight Life
18.) Rilo Kiley - The Execution of All Things
19.) Ataris - Takeoffs and Landings
20.) OK Go - You're So Damn Hot

Ehh, lots of repeats. The moral of the story: Steve, get a life. Oddly, that's the moral of a lot of stories that I tell...

Best. Bumper Sticker. Ever.

I saw that bottom bumper sticker on the drive into work today, and almost wet myself. It's probably the nerdiest thing I've ever seen in my life, combining a love of horse-riding and dungeon-mastering. Kudos to whoever designed this masterpiece.

Another Top Ten List

My top ten favorite songs about sex:

10.) Grease - from the musical
9.) Hotel California - The Eagles
8.) Push It - Salt n Pepa
7.) With Arms Wide Open - Creed
6.) Whoomp There It Is - Tag Team
5.) The Sign - Ace of Base
4.) Raindrops Keep Falling on My Head - Burt Bacarach
3.) Puff the Magic Dragon - Peter, Paul, and Mary
2.) O.P.P. - Naughty by Nature
1.) Wind Beneath My Wings - Bette Midler

Alternative? Not bloody likely...

Since when did alternative rock come to mean "mainstream rock"? Originally, I do believe that alternative music was supposed to be an alternative to something else, but now that there's nothing else, why can't they just reclaim the throne of "rock music" and let something new come along and be the alternative? It's like driving in the left lane of traffic and matching speed with the person in the right lane. It chokes up all the traffic trying to get through, and no one is going to get anywhere until you realize you're old (because, let's face it, the people who do this are ALWAYS old), and let someone else through.

Paradigm

A typical Dan/Steve conversation:

Steve (11:59:08 PM): I'll brief you.
Dan (12:00:09 AM): Do so....now.
Steve (12:00:21 AM): I downloaded the files to your static drive.
Dan (12:00:38 AM): Excellent, I'll load them into my Schrön Loop.
Steve (12:01:05 AM): Don't get tangled up in your furion triaxial cables.
Dan (12:02:03 AM): Of course not! What am I, a T-1 androtic wire-jockey?
Steve (12:03:14 AM): Calm down! I wasn't name calling! I just know that last month, in your Level Seven Gruoppic Tandem Sessions, you tripped on a cable and halted production for upwards of three light quadrants.
Dan (12:04:23 AM): You know that was a completely unforeseeable series of events, as corroborated by the diaspora-generational probabability probe calculations which are accurate to .00001 of an angstrom-quark.
Steve (12:05:32 AM): I guess you're right, but I still believe that an amnioplasm hemispherical protrusion is the cause of your vestibularly-challenged incidentals.
Dan (12:06:13 AM): Sir, that fusion-impacted, propulsion-drive, vertical-lift device will not levitate!
Dan (12:06:19 AM): (smacks with plasma glove)
Steve (12:07:13 AM): Don't confundrate me! I'll biosphensinate you with a quick-mounted incendiary responsive gradient!
Dan (12:08:07 AM): Jerk.

Are we awe-inspiringly cool or what?

Peer Mediation Bullshit

Today at work, we had an hour-long afternoon meeting teaching us how to deal with difficult people and to be a better listener. I'm sorry, wha? You say "but didn't you learn that in ninth grade when the geeky kids on the peer mediation squad came to your class to give a ten minute presentation"? My answer to that is yes, and I hated it just as much this time. The only difference was, this time I got paid to be there, and I had a paper tablecloth that I could doodle on instead of listening to the lecture. It DID make quite a difference.

I'm such a nerd...

Today, I plan on spending most of the day watching episodes of the cartoon version of The Tick that I downloaded. Seriously, I don't know why any of you are friends with me.

One of Those Days

Ever have a day when all you want to do is lie around and watch The Critic on DVD? Me too.

I'm in Love

Seriously, I have a gigantic crush on this woman. Metric rocked hard. They were all over the place. They mostly played stuff off the new album (nothing off the old one, sadly), but there was nothing wrong with that. My only gripe was that it was too short...the hour they were on stage just flew by. We stayed for three South songs and left, they didn't do anything that every other band in the world doesn't do better. Still, DEFINITELY worth the $15.

I Bit the Bullet

I finally went ahead and made a profile and whatnot on Friendster. There's no avoiding it, in the long run. I'm the kind of person who is completely attracted to all things geeky. Let me know if you'd like to become a vital part of my personal network.

Even I can't say that last line with a straight face.

Metric Love

I don't think I've ever fallen in love with a band so completely and so quickly as I have with Metric. All I know is that one of their CDs has been in constant play in my car and at home non-stop for the past two weeks straight. I absolutely cannot stop listening to them, and can't wait until the concert tomorrow.

Other bands that have quickly shot up to favorite status over the years are Guster back in tenth grade, Carbon Leaf in my junior year of college, and The New Pornographers last year.

Afterthought:
After reading the above paragraph, I can't help but wonder if somehow these bands use some sort of mind control device while recording their CDs to cause me to be captivated so quickly. There wouldn't be anything wrong with that, or subliminal messages telling me to like the band. On the contrary, it would actually be pretty cool.

I Spoke Too Soon

Sorry concert post. You've got to go.

One of the joys of working in this place is that I'm facing the lobby on the same floor as the nursery school and the summer camp, and about once a month, regardless of what time of the year it is, there are special guests. Once, it was a firefighter, one time it was a police man. Those are to be expected, and aren't really all that exciting. However, every once in a while, you get a real treat.
Two months ago, the special guest was a magician. A piss-poor magician who had obviously taught himself magic with the aid of a toy store magic kit. We all sat back in my office, secure that the glass in our windows is about 90% soundproof, and tore into that lameass entertainer.
Today, there's a puppet show going on, and while the script itself seems to be lacking substance (it IS designed for nursery school kids), the sound of a roomful of young children screaming at jokes designed for them is pretty amusing. It's like being on a roller coaster full of screaming youth, without the height restriction.
The best/most terrifying one, by far, was a clown that came in about six months ago. The scary part was, she didn't START as a clown. She was a regular woman who gradually got dressed up as a clown in front of the children. Putting all sickening voyeuristic overtones aside, this show was horrifying because it was like this woman was being consumed slowly by the disembodied spirit of an evil clown. We all just watched helplessly as this poor lady became possessed by the soul of Dottie. I'll never think of clowns the same way again.

Another Concert Post

Concerts I Currently Possess Tickets to:
Pat McGee Band - 2/13 at the Birchmere
Metric and South - 2/14 at the 9:30 Club
Death Cab for Cutie and Ben Kweller - 4/3 at the 9:30 Club

Concerts I Still Want to Go to:
Great Big Sea - 3/17 at the 9:30 Club

I apologize for this post. This is what we call "filler" in this fictional industry. When something exciting actually happens to me, I'll make sure to let you all know.

My Dinner

Here's what I felt like eating for dinner tonight:
- one Boston creme donut
- a handful of potato chips
- a Rice Krispies treat
- a bowlful of salsa and chips

I got up to step four before realizing that it involved the effort of opening a jar, so I cut that from my diet. I am one healthy mo-fo.

Sigh

This is what my desk looks like right now. I'm glad some people at least TRIED to aim for the inbox, even though they missed entirely.



This is a black and white (the ultimate in sadness) rendering of how I feel on the inside right now, seeing the above mess spread willy-nilly all over my desk.

I Voted

I'm currently sporting a fashionable red, white, and blue sticker that lets the world know I was one of the chosen few (you know, those of us who follow the news) who voted in today's Virginia primary election. Last time I felt this proud, I was wearing a sticker with a happy tooth in a bow tie holding an oversized novelty toothbrush, proclaiming "My mouth is clean!"

The Grammys

I didn't watch the Grammys last night. I tend not to watch any awards shows, because it's much less annoying to just catch the results online the next day. However, I'd like to have seen the acceptance speech given by Weird Al Yankovic for best comedy album. Not so much for the speech, since I can't imagine it was good, but rather because I'd like to have seen the embarrassment on the faces of all those involved in the Grammy organization when the camera panned around the auditorium. I bet it was pretty apparent.

Also, since when does Weird Al win Grammys? What's the deal, recording industry? Would Gallagher not return your phone calls?

Plenty of Good Reading

In case you guys haven't noticed (and I bet you haven't), I've been adding a lot of good websites to my sidebar recently. I've stumbled across Cati Fabulous (not to be confused with Caitie Fabulous), Josh Cagan, Tequila Mockingbird, and This Fish recently, and have started to read them fairly religiously. Also, if you guys haven't checked out Dooce or Sarah B., do that as well. Excellent reads, all very funny.

I'm through being an internet whore now. Thank you all very much.

Sunshine Hurts My Eyes

Guess who has already been at work for almost two hours?

(see category for answer)

Crocodile Rock

I'm watching Animal Planet right now, as I'm known to do when I'm both bored and there's nothing else on TV. You can usually rely on this channel to provide a show where a moron tries catching a 10-foot snake, or another moron goes swimming with a 10-foot shark, or two guys go chasing a 10-foot rhinocerous. My point is, the 10-foot animal on the show right now is the crocodile, which is a big hit on this network. I'm sitting here, waiting for the two male crocs to fight (you only watch these shows in case A.) they show two animals fighting, B.) they show a predator feasting on an unsuspecting softer animal, or C.) some idiotic human goes near said predator smelling like sweat and hamburgers), when they cut away. "NO!" I shouted, even though no one could hear me, becaue I was pissed. Expecting that they cut to something cooler, like the crocodiles challenging each other to a deadly game of pool or something, I keep watching like a sucka. They then show some male and female crocodiles, lined up, and ask "Are they hot or not? Who's going to make the grade?" and it's finally happened. The original reality show has merged with the newest incarnation, and the animals have their own dating show. Finally, instead of panning back to the two male crocodiles, both at least ten feet long, who were getting ready to fight, they show two crocodiles mating, which is not an image I want in my head next time I am in the presence of anyone. This is preceded by "the female sinking below the man and starting a tender act which will last upwards on an hour," and suddenly I wish I had a girlfriend who was part crocodile. Since I don't, and that pisses me off, I think I'm going to turn this off now.

Les Triplettes de Belleville

I saw Les Triplettes de Belleville tonight. Suffice it to say, it was as awesome and entertaining and mind-blowingly cool as I thought it would be. I highly recommend it to anyone who is interested in some abstract animation. This film is up for two Oscars (best song and best animated film), and I really hope it wins for the latter.

Added bonus: the movie was preceded by the Walt Disney/Salvador Dali short film "Destino," which is up for an Oscar. It was also really really interesting. I hope it wins, specifically because it's the only one I've seen that was nominated.

Meet Me at the Waffle House

I don't know if any of you have seen this yet, but seriously, it's ridiculously funny. It may have already circulated around the whole world wide web by this point, I'm very behind in the realm of internet fads. I just watched the Star Wars kid video last month for the first time, and it took me a full three months to discover All Your Base Are Belong To Us back in 2001.

My favorite part of this video is how the kid intentionally makes no eye contact with the camera. I have no idea if he knows he's being filmed or what, but he's got some mad rapper skillz. I wish I could effortlessly lay down phat rhymes like "I like junior mints/let's talk about that for a second/oh, before I fucking wreck it/I wanna eat butter pecans/and I want to change my name to Stan the Man/and I want a golden ham for my birthday." Sheer genius.

UPDATE:
Turns out the "kid" is actually a 20-something year old comedian who has a disease that makes him appear younger than he is. He's got a whole site full of stuff like this, and he also did that Superbowl is Gay video a year ago. Oh well. It's still funny.

This Site Needs Pizazz!

I want to make this site look better. Not quite sure how to, but I'll work on that. In the meantime, here's a logo I just spent ten minutes designing which I really don't like now that I look at it, but I'll post anyway, just for kicks:



I was thinking about just replacing my website with a giant bowl of fruit. Any thoughts on that?

Personal Anecdotes

I wish that I could write about more personal anecdotes on this site, rather than the usual mindless claptrap I spew, but the thing is this: I don't have any personal anecdotes to tell. I have no life in northern Virginia, as this area classifies as boredom central. It's far enough away from the city that it's a real schlep to get in there, and it's got just enough stuff in it to keep you from moving away. I think I've decided I'm pretty sick of suburbia though, and I'm ready to move on to Chicago. Only five (five, Dan?) months to go until that happens. Hopefully, at that point, if I'm still posting and I can afford hosting (and chestnuts over an open fire are roasting), my life will pick up and I'll have interesting things to write about. Until then, bear with me as I meander on incessantly about completely and udderly inane things.

Tragically Lacking Pictures

My site was looking kind of wordy, so I decided to put in a random picture:



I bought some of these today. The citrus variety. They're not very good. They don't refresh at all. I'll give the mint ones a try, but the citrus get a big F in the "living up to promises" category.

Going Concerting

Concerts I Want to Go To:
Metric opening for South (anyone heard of them?) - 9:30 Club, February 14th
Guster - somewhere at Tech, Mar. 1st
Great Big Sea - 9:30 Club, Mar. 17th

Anything else exciting coming up in the DC area that I should know about? Also, anyone want to go to these shows with me, in addition to the people who have already said they want to go (you know who you are)?

Go Ducks/Giants/Fat Kid Soccer Team!

My favorite thing about any of the many generic "underdog kids sport team goes from ragtag to professional" movies is that there's always one black kid on the team, and there's always one attractive white kid who's mom is in love with the coach. During the final game, where the underdogs prove their true grit, the camera always pans back and forth between the actual game and the black kid's dad and the white kid's mom, who are the only people in a relatively lifeless crowd screaming their bloody heads off. Inevitably, when the final play happens that wins the match, or the game, or the big bag of chocolate, or whatever, there is a shot where the black dad and the white mom get uber-emotional and hug each other. It always gets me right here .
I would like, just once, for the white mom to go home with the black dad. Show that, Disney, you bunch of racist bastards. How come she always goes home with pretty boy Emilio Estevez/Rick Moranis? Why can't Ms. White ever ditch Mr. Green and Professor Plum for Mr. Black?

No Can Do

I officially cannot work on only four hours of sleep. My mind is not functioning well right now.

Crazy Dreams

I had four separate dreams last night, and for some reason I remember them all pretty vividly. Here they are, in order from least to most exciting:

1.) I had the job of creating new slang. the only slang I remember coming up with were "secure" to mean awesome, and "inerotic" to mean crappy.

2.) I saw an advance screening of X-Men 3, and there was a scene where the Beast chases a gorilla around a mansion, eventually cornering it on the mantel.

3.) I was working late one night in some office, and a girl who I really liked was there, and a guy with a giant sword came in and decapitated her. One of the janitor's came in to clean up, and I told him that there was a "cabeza" on the floor, and he threw up. Then, when I tried to write someone an e-mail saying that my crush had been decapitated, the e-mail program locked up and someone started laughing over the intercom.

4.) For some reason, I was at Chris Farley's wedding, and a bunch of us were playing kickball. Bob Odenkirk was on my team, and he had to go somewhere for a second, so he put a ghost man on second base. The other team (which had Chris Farley on it) cheated and tagged the ghost man out, so when Bob Odenkirk got back, he started beating the crap out of Chris Farley. Also, for some reason, Chris Farley had a whaling harpoon and a conch shell, so he started blowing the conch. Bob took the conch and started yelling "Chris Farley is a cheater" into it, while I took the harpoon and started hitting Chris Farley in the stomach with the non-sharp end. Then, Jon Stewart got up to do a toast, and instead of a toast, he read a really unfunny top ten list that was the top ten reasons that Jewish people are in charge of Christmas, and no one laughed. The number one reason was "Fake Christmas trees are horny and poke everyone."

You got knocked the FUCK out!

So I just saw Friday for the first time. Funny movie. A bit overrated, but I've been hearing the movie line by line piece meal for the last eight years, so I guess that's to be expected. I sort of wish I had a cool nickname like Smokey that everyone called me. I mean, I have various nicknames, but they are all on a person-by-person basis, which is good, but being called Steve gets boring sometimes, is all I'm saying.